Kash Patel’s First Hour as FBI Director

Kash
Patel’s
First
Hour
as
FBI
Director:
A
Masterclass
in
Crisis
Management—or
Stand-Up
Comedy?

The
Memo
Heard
‘Round
the
Bureau

Kash
Patel’s
first
act
as
FBI
director
was
to
send
out
a
reassuring
memo
to
his
agents,
promising
that
he
would
uphold
the
bureau’s
independence.
The
memo
stated,

“The
FBI’s
mission
is
to
uphold
the

Constitution
and
enforce
the
law
without
fear
or
favor.
Under
my

leadership,
we
will
not
pursue
partisan
agendas
or
retaliate
against
individuals
based
on

political
beliefs.”

In
other
words,
Patel
is
about
as
apolitical
as
a
campaign

rally
in

Iowa.
This
is
the
same
man
who
once
accused
the
FBI
of
being
a

“criminal
gang”
on
a
podcast
hosted
by
a
guy
who
thinks
the

moon
landing
was
shot
in
a
Denny’s
parking
lot.
But
sure,
the
FBI
will
totally
remain
neutral.

The
“Deep
State
Museum”
Becomes
a
Gift
Shop

Before
his
confirmation,
Patel
had
floated
the
idea
of
turning
FBI
headquarters
into
a
museum
of
the
so-called


deep
state.
This
would
have
been
a

fun
addition
to
Washington,
D.C.’s
many
educational
institutions—right
next
to
the

Smithsonian
Museum
of
Revisionist
History
and
the

Library
of
Alternative
Facts.

But
in
his
first
hour,
Patel
quickly
distanced
himself
from
the
idea,
possibly
realizing
that
constructing
a

“Hall
of
Hillary’s
Emails”
might
not
be
the
best
use
of

taxpayer
dollars.
Instead,
sources
say
he
is
considering
a
more
modest
proposal:
turning
the
Hoover
Building
lobby
into
a

Deep
State
Gift
Shop,
where
visitors
can
purchase
items
like:

• 
  “Stop
  the
  Steal”
  Snow
  Globes
  –
  Shake
  them
  up,
  and
  tiny
  FBI
  agents
  start
  shredding
  documents!
• 
  “Deep
  State
  Decoder
  Rings”
  –
  Now
  YOU
  can
  decipher
  secret
  messages
  from
  the
  Illuminati!
• 
  “Fake
  
  News
  Glasses”
  –
  Everything
  you
  see
  looks
  like
  a
  Fox
  News
  chyron!

A
bipartisan
committee
is
currently
investigating
whether
the
proceeds
from
these
items
will
go
toward

actual
law
enforcement
or
a
future
Patel-themed

Mar-a-Lago
dinner
event.

A
Masterclass
in
Job
Security
Reassurance

At
his
first
staff

meeting,
Patel
assured
everyone
that
he
wasn’t
planning
to
fire
any
FBI
officials
without
due
process.
This
is
the
bureaucratic
equivalent
of
your
boss
calling
an
emergency
meeting
to
say,

“Guys,
don’t
worry,
there
are
absolutely
NO
mass
layoffs
coming.”

It
was
a
welcome
message
for
agents
who
had
spent
the
past
month
quietly
updating
their
LinkedIn
profiles.
One
FBI
insider,
speaking
anonymously
because
he
values
his
pension,
said,

“Look,
if
my
boss
even
mentions
job

security
unprompted,
I’m
updating
my
résumé
and
Googling
‘jobs
in

Canada.’”

The
Bureau’s
IT
department
also
reported
a
sudden
increase
in
searches
for

“How
to
apply
for

CIA
without
FBI
knowing”—not
suspicious
at
all.

The
‘No
Political
Retaliation’
Pledge

Patel
took
the
bold
step
of
reassuring

America
that
he
would
not
use
the
FBI
as
a
political
weapon,
which
is
an
interesting
promise
from
a
man
whose
previous
work
included
discrediting
the

Russia
investigation,
calling
the
FBI
corrupt,
and
pushing

conspiracy
theories
about
the
2020

election.

This
is
like
asking
a
raccoon
to
guard
your
sandwich
and
then
watching
as
it
solemnly
swears
to
“uphold
the
integrity
of
all
ham-based
products.”

The
Personnel
Purge
Denial

When
asked
about
reports
that
he
orchestrated
a
purge
of
senior
FBI
officials
before
his
confirmation,
Patel
played
the
classic

“Who,
me?”
card.
He
stated
unequivocally
that
he
had
no
involvement
in
such
efforts.

This
is,
of
course,
completely
believable.
Just
like
when
kids
swear
they

“have
NO
idea
who
ate
the
cookies”—while
covered
in
crumbs
and
standing
next
to
an
empty
cookie
jar.

Senator
Dick
Durbin,
who
has
a
permanent
migraine
from
dealing
with
this
administration,
called
for
an
investigation
into
these
reports.
Patel
responded
by

calling
for
an
investigation
into
the
people
calling
for
the
investigation.
The
FBI
is
now
looking
into
whether
it
is,
in
fact,
investigating
itself.

Financial
Transparency,
the
Patel
Way

Patel’s
stock
holdings
in
Shein’s
parent
company
raised
serious
questions
about
potential
conflicts
of
interest.
Critics
were
concerned
that
the
FBI’s
director
should
not
have
financial
ties
to
a
Chinese-founded
fast

fashion
company
known
for,
let’s
say,

aggressive

labor
practices.

So
Patel
did
the
responsible
thing—he
placed
his
assets
in
a

blind
trust!
Because
if
there’s
one
thing
that
inspires

confidence,
it’s
a
guy
saying,

“Relax,
I
can’t
even
see
my
own
money
anymore.”

Legal
experts
note
that
a

blind
trust
is
a
common
way
for

government
officials
to
avoid
conflicts
of
interest.
However,
history
has
shown
that
some
officials
maintain

very
good
hearing
when
it
comes
to
whispers
about
their
investments.

From
Conspiracy
to
Crime-Fighting

During
his
confirmation
hearing,
senators
worried
that
Patel
might
focus
more
on
chasing

“deep
state”

ghosts
than,
you
know,
actual
criminals.
Patel
reassured
them
that

fighting
real

crime
was
his
top
priority.

This
was
comforting
until
a
reporter
asked
Patel
what
his
biggest
law
enforcement
concern
was,
and
he
immediately
launched
into
a

speech
about

the
dangers
of
voter

fraud
and
rogue
FBI
agents.

This
would
be
like
the
new
Chief
of
Police
saying,

“I’m
dedicated
to
stopping
violent
crime,
which
is
why
I’m
cracking
down
on
Bigfoot
sightings
and
the
chupacabra.”

The
Great
Compromise
on
FBI
Fashion

Patel’s
ties
to
Shein
had
some
agents
worried
that
he’d
start
imposing
budget-friendly
fashion
changes
on
the
Bureau.
One
particularly
terrified
field
agent
was
overheard
saying,

“If
I
see
even
ONE
FBI
tactical
vest
with
rhinestones,
I’m
out.”

To
calm
the
nerves,
Patel
promised
that
there
would
be
no
mandatory
Shein
uniforms
for
FBI
agents.
However,
an
internal
memo
has
surfaced
suggesting
that

business
casual
Fridays
may
soon
include
discount-rate
trench
coats.

FBI
Leadership
Meetings
Just
Got
Spicier

Patel’s
first
meeting
with
senior
FBI
officials
was
described
by
one
source
as

“tense
but
polite”—which
is
a
diplomatic
way
of
saying,

“We
all
smiled
and
nodded
while
praying
he
didn’t
start
listing
his
favorite
QAnon
theories.”

A
veteran
FBI
official
later
commented,

“Look,
I’ve
been
through
a
lot—Mueller,
Comey,
Wray,
January
6th—but
this
was
the
first
time
I
seriously
considered
pretending
to
be
a
janitor
just
to
get
out
of
the
room.”

Decentralization…
or
Just
Moving
the
Files?

Patel
has
long
advocated
for

“decentralizing”
the
FBI’s
operations.
Some
see
this
as
a
necessary
step
to
modernize
the
Bureau.
Others
see
it
as

code
for

“Let’s
move
all
the
incriminating
evidence
somewhere
harder
to
subpoena.”

Blind
Trust,
But
With
X-Ray
Vision

Patel’s
financial

transparency
strategy
means
he
won’t
technically

see
his
own
money.
But
let’s
be
honest—someone
will
still
text
him
updates.
Probably
at
3
a.m.,
along
with,

“Sir,
stocks
are
up.
Should
we
continue
investigating

Wall
Street,
or…?”

Senators
Need
Extra
Coffee
for
This
One

The
Senate
confirmed
Patel
with
a
tight
51-49
vote,
proving
that

even
some

Republicans
needed
an
extra
Xanax
before
pressing
‘yes.’

Patel’s
Bold
New
Motto
for
the
FBI

There
is
now
speculation
that
the
Bureau’s
motto
will
change
from

“Fidelity,
Bravery,
Integrity”
to

“Trust,
But
Verify…
Unless
It’s
About
Me.”

The
Art
of
the
Non-Apology

Patel
has
mastered
the
art
of
the
non-apology.
He
claims
he’ll
be
fair,
nonpartisan,
and
focused
on
crime—as
long
as
it’s
the
right
kind
of
crime.

The
Kash
Patel
FBI
Rebrand

With
his
first
hour
complete
and
no
immediate

scandals
(yet),
Patel’s
FBI
is
off
to
a
start
that
can
only
be
described
as

“an
ongoing
investigation.”

Or,
as
one
exhausted
agent
put
it,

“Let’s
just
say
the
next
memo
will
probably
start
with,
‘We
regret
to
inform
you…’”

The
Memo
Heard
‘Round
the
Bureau

Within
the
first
hour,
Patel
assured
FBI
agents
that
he
wouldn’t
politicize
the
bureau.
That’s
like
a
toddler
promising
not
to
touch
anything
in
a

candy
store—sure,
we
believe
you,
kid.

The
“Deep
State
Museum”
Becomes
a
Gift
Shop

Patel
backed
off
his
plan
to
turn
FBI
headquarters
into
a
museum
of
the
deep
state,
opting
instead
for
a
more
reasonable
idea:
a
gift
shop
selling
“Stop
the
Steal”
snow
globes
and
“Witch
Hunt”
coffee
mugs.

A
Masterclass
in
Job
Security
Reassurance

In
his
first
staff
meeting,
Patel
promised
there
would
be
no
mass
firings.
This
was
reassuring,
in
the
same
way
a
pilot
announcing,
“Relax,
folks,
I
definitely
won’t
crash
this
plane”
is
reassuring.

The
‘No
Political
Retaliation’
Pledge

Patel
claimed
the
FBI
wouldn’t
be
weaponized
for
partisan
gain.
That’s
like
a
cat
promising
not
to
knock
anything
off
the
table—it’s
in
the
nature
of
the
job.

The
Personnel
Purge
Denial

He
denied
involvement
in
any
pre-confirmation
FBI
purges,
which
is
funny
because
the
only
thing
more
suspicious
than
a
purge
is
loudly
insisting
you
had
nothing
to
do
with
it.

Financial
Transparency,
the
Patel
Way

To
address
concerns
about
his
stock
holdings,
Patel
put
his
money
in
a
blind
trust.
Which
is
great,
because
nothing
builds
public
confidence
like
a
millionaire
saying,
“Don’t
worry,
I
can’t
even
see
my
own
money
anymore.”

From
Conspiracy
to
Crime-Fighting

He
reassured
the
Senate
that
he
would
focus
on
traditional
crime-fighting.
Good
to
know
we
can
now
count
on
the
FBI
to
finally
solve
the
most
pressing

national
security
issue:
the
case
of
Hillary’s
emails.

The
Great
Compromise
on
FBI
Fashion

Patel’s
ties
to
Shein
raised
concerns
about
conflicts
of
interest,
but
don’t
worry—he
assured
agents
there
will
be
no
mandatory
fast-fashion
uniforms.
Although,
let’s
be
real,
an
FBI
windbreaker
for
$3.99
does
sound
like
a
bargain.

FBI
Leadership

Meetings
Just
Got
Spicier

Patel
met
with
senior
FBI
leadership
in
his
first
hour.
Just
imagine
the
tension—like
a
family
dinner
where
the
uncle
who
believes
in
lizard
people
suddenly
gets
put
in
charge
of
the
estate.

Decentralization…
or
Just
Moving
the
Files?

He
suggested
“decentralizing
headquarters
functions,”
which
is
a
fancy
way
of
saying,
“Let’s
just
put
all
the
incriminating
documents
in
my
home
office.”

Blind
Trust,
But
With
X-Ray
Vision

Placing
his
finances
in
a
blind
trust
might
sound
reassuring,
but
with
Patel’s
connections,
that
blind
trust
probably
comes
with
night-vision
goggles
and
a
direct
line
to
Trump’s
accountants.

Senators
Need
Extra
Coffee
for
This
One

Patel’s
confirmation
was
a
tight
51-49
vote,
meaning
half
the
Senate
needed
a
stiff
drink
and
the
other
half
needed
to
lie
down
immediately
after

voting.

Patel’s
Bold
New
Motto
for
the
FBI

In
his
first
hour,
Patel
declared
the
FBI
would
be
“unbiased
and
transparent.”
Which
is
great,
because
if
there’s
one
thing
the
FBI
is
known
for,
it’s
absolute
transparency.
Just
ask
the

JFK
files.

The
Art
of
the
Non-Apology

When
questioned
about
his
past
statements,
Patel
assured
the
panel
he
would
be
fair
and
professional.
Translation:
“I
stand
by
everything
I
said,
but
let’s
just
pretend
I
didn’t.”

The
Kash
Patel
FBI
Rebrand

First
hour,
and
no
major
scandals
yet?
Either
he’s
really
good
at
his
job…
or
he’s
just
waiting
for
the
right
moment
to
introduce
the
FBI’s
new
slogan:
“Federal
Bureau
of
Investigations
and
Vibes.”