The Democratic Party

The Democratic Party died of exhaustion Tuesday night after a long and neglected illness in which the patient presented with delusions of relevance accompanied by a chronic rash of preventable electoral losses.

The end came when The Party™ vainly attempted for the biglyest time to reach across the sacred Clintonobamabiden Aisle of Mutual Respect and Bipartisan Cooperation to embrace that mythical unicorn: the moderate republican. And like an intellectually limited Oliver Twist straining to pass a bad muffin, The Party™ once again received another steaming bowl of deserved humiliation and warmed-over pachyderm poop. The result: our Great American Lab Experiment lurched one step further into the realm of completely gutting Medicaid, Medicare, Social Security, SNAP and anything else remotely protecting human beings who don’t have multi million-dollar trust funds burning holes in their offshore bank accounts.

When reached for analysis, the last few remaining scientists willing to speak up for fear of getting burned at the stake by mobs of High Low-Density Lipid Cybertruck owners, postulated this death,

“was not an end in the traditional sense, but a metamorphosis from a poseur pretending to be something it hasn’t been since the FDR administration into dead organic brain matter absorbed by the amoeba-like food vacuole of the Republican Party- an amorphous stupid blob of pestilence and bad hair. Please read our peer reviewed study in The Lancet. We’re moving to Holland.”

This afternoon in a show of bipartisan remembrance towards the deceased, New York City Mayor Eric Adams compared himself to “Jesus on the Cross” and called his critics “negroes.”1

Pallbearers probably won’t include any of the following people because they’re all hiding right now, including former Moderate Centrist President™, Joe Biden, who famously said,

“We need a strong Republican party.” “I would consider a Republican running mate.” “Welcome home!” – to the fascist he called an existential threat to Democracy.

And Kamala Harris:

“my administration will have a Republican in it.”

Her Hubby, Doug Emhoff:

“We need a strong Republican party.”

And Nancy Pelosi, who for years opined the following:

“We need a strong Republican party.”2

The deceased’s last wishes were that pissed off democrats, progressives, socialists and leftists take the advice of the ossified remnants of James Carville and close their eyes, lie still and think of England.