GIRLFRIEND: “I’m gonna ask you a question, but I promise I won’t get mad.”
ME: “What is it?
GIRLFRIEND: “If you could sleep with one of my friends, who would it be?”
ME: “I’d rather not.”
GIRLFRIEND: “I won’t get mad.”
ME: “You promise?”
GIRLFRIEND: “Yes, I promise!”
ME: “Okay. Uh, Brooke…”
GIRLFRIEND: “Brooke?”
ME: “Yeah.”
GIRLFRIEND: “Really?”
ME: “Mmhmm…”
GIRLFRIEND: “That’s not who I thought you would say… But, Brooke. Really?”
ME: “Yeah. She’s hot.”
GIRLFRIEND: “Yeah, I know she’s hot! I’m just saying I thought you would’ve answered differently…”
ME: “Like how?”
GIRLFRIEND: “Like that you would never sleep with any other woman.”
ME: “But that wasn’t your question.”
GIRLFRIEND: “IT DOESN’T MATTER!!”
ME: “You just said you weren’t going to get mad.”
GIRLFRIEND: “I’M NOT GETTING MAD!”
ME: “You sound mad.”
GIRLFRIEND: “I’M NOT MAD!”
ME: “Why do you ask me these stupid questions if you can’t handle the answer?”
GIRLFRIEND: “I dunno… I keep thinking you’d be a more thoughtful and considerate person, but I guess I keep getting disappointed.”
ME: “What do you mean? You just asked who I would sleep with that’s your friend. Brooke is hot.”
GIRLFRIEND: “It’s honestly pretty sus that you answered Brooke so quickly. You just had that one loaded and ready to go. Guess you’ve been thinking about hooking up with her for a while…”
ME: “I was just trying to answer your question that I didn’t even want to answer in the first place.”
GIRLFRIEND: “Okay, what about my other friends?”
ME: “Who? Jade? I’d hook up with Jade too, probably.”
GIRLFRIEND: “You’re disgusting! I DON’T THINK ABOUT ANY OF YOUR FRIENDS THAT WAY!”
ME: “Really? So there are literally no other men in the world you think about that way?”
GIRLFRIEND: “I mean, if I had to… your friend Jackson is pretty cute.”
ME: “Yeah, I know… You told me that as soon as you met him.”
GIRLFRIEND: “…and your friend Brendan.”
ME: “Brendan too? What the fuck?”
GIRLFRIEND: “I’m not gonna lie, he’s pretty sexy.”
ME: “I hate this.”
GIRLFRIEND: “You owe me an apology!”
ME: “For what?”
GIRLFRIEND: “For preemptively cheating on me with my friends. You’ve basically thought about it.”
ME: “This is like that time you wanted me to apologize for cheating on you in a dream you had…”
GIRLFRIEND: “Yeah, you should! And I still haven’t received an apology or flowers for that. You should assume that you should always be sorry.”
ME: “No. And you think about sleeping with my friends.”
GIRLFRIEND: “This household is a matriarchy.”
ME: “…”
GIRLFRIEND: “Anyways, Sweetgreens is doing a 2-for-1 sale on Uber Eats. Maybe this would be a great way to make it up to me…”
Go to Source
Author: Sam Colt
Karen O’Blivious – Senior political correspondent who insists she’s neutral but only interviews people who agree with her.