Running After Mammoths – Satirical Journalism

The Greatest Technological Development in Human History: The Day We Stopped Running and Started Planting

Running After Mammoths vs Farming

For centuries, humanity has sought to pinpoint the greatest technological achievement in history. Was it the steam engine? The internet? The Roomba? No. According to a shocking new report, the biggest breakthrough wasn’t digital, mechanical, or even a wildly successful Kickstarter campaign. It was—brace yourselves—agriculture.

Yes, that thing we take for granted every time we push a cart through the grocery store, angrily wondering why tomatoes now cost more than a down payment on a car.

And while we may scoff at our caveman ancestors for their lack of Wi-Fi and disturbingly casual relationship with personal hygiene, it turns out they accidentally created modern civilization by sticking some seeds in the dirt and waiting around. A risky investment strategy, to be sure, but it somehow paid off better than crypto.

How We Went from ‘Running After Mammoths’ to ‘Standing in Line at Whole Foods’

Long before the invention of kombucha, human beings were professional nomads, wandering from place to place, avoiding sabertooth tigers, and basically living out an eternal camping trip. They subsisted by hunting, foraging, and picking berries with the same enthusiasm that your aunt Karen picks through clearance bins at T.J. Maxx.

Then, roughly 12,000 years ago, someone had a wild idea:

“What if we just stayed put and let food come to us?”

Historians remain uncertain whether this revelation was due to intelligence or sheer laziness, but whatever the case, it led to the rise of farming and, subsequently, human civilization. And like every great innovation, it brought a mix of benefits and existential crises.

Hunting-Gathering vs. Farming: A Totally Scientific Comparison

	Hunting & Gathering	Farming
Effort Level	Lots of running, occasional spearing	Less running, more complaining
Food Supply	Unpredictable, but thrilling	Reliable, but requires patience
Housing Situation	Caves or whatever tree looked nice	Actual houses, with walls and everything
Risk of Starvation	Moderate to high	Still there, but now with the added excitement of droughts and locusts
Fun Factor	High adrenaline, daily survival challenge	Lower adrenaline, but now you have beer

That’s right—early agriculture didn’t just give us bread, it also gave us beer, which experts agree was humanity’s first true incentive to keep farming.

The Real Reason Humans Settled Down: Drunkenness and Property Disputes

“People think we settled down for food security,” explains Dr. Neil Trowbridge, historian and author of From Spears to Spoons: How We Screwed Ourselves Into Farming.

“In reality, beer was the real game-changer. Once humans figured out how to ferment grains, they were hooked. You can’t exactly nomadically roam the plains when you have a fresh batch of ale fermenting back at the hut.”

Indeed, archeological digs suggest that brewing was one of the earliest human endeavors, proving that before we cared about art, literature, or indoor plumbing, we cared about getting tipsy.

But alcohol wasn’t the only thing keeping people rooted to the land. Once they started farming, people realized they needed fences, and before you knew it, the first HOA meetings were born. Suddenly, a peaceful life of foraging turned into bitter disputes over whose goats kept wandering into whose wheat fields.

One can only imagine an early village elder sitting in the first-ever town hall meeting, rubbing his temples as two families bicker over whether Uggh’s cow is eating Thag’s crops.

The Agricultural Revolution: Humanity’s First Big Mistake?

Now, before we get all misty-eyed about the dawn of civilization, let’s remember that farming was not all sunshine and free-range chickens.

By transitioning from hunter-gathering to farming, early humans made a crucial mistake: they introduced themselves to “work.”

“Life as a hunter-gatherer wasn’t easy,” says Dr. Lisa Hawkins, anthropologist at the University of Idaho, “but it was certainly more flexible. You worked as needed, then took naps in caves. Farming, on the other hand, introduced rigid schedules, which led to calendars, which led to deadlines, which led to people having anxiety for the first time.”

Other “Genius” Side Effects of Agriculture:

Social hierarchy! – Because someone had to decide who got the biggest granary.
Overpopulation! – Because suddenly, people were having way too much grain-fed sex.
War! – Because why share resources when you can just stab your neighbor?
Taxes! – Because some jerk figured out they could charge people for farming the land they were already farming.

Essentially, agriculture did not make life easier—it just made it more complicated. But hey, at least we got bread out of it.

And Then Came Capitalism: When We Stopped Farming for Ourselves and Started Farming for Profit

If early farming was about survival, modern farming is about making serious cash.

Take a look at any Whole Foods price tag, and you’ll realize we’ve come a long way from primitive grain storage.

Instead of growing food for subsistence, we now grow it to maximize shareholder value. Consider the following:

A single ear of corn in a store costs more than an entire field of corn 200 years ago.
A loaf of artisanal sourdough is worth more than your college degree.
Eggs are so expensive that people have started adopting chickens as emotional support animals.

And yet, despite thousands of years of technological advancement, we are still terrified of droughts, soil depletion, and bad harvests. The difference is, now we panic about it while scrolling on smartphones.

The Future of Farming: A Return to Our Roots?

As food prices soar and climate change turns the planet into a preheated oven, there’s a growing movement of people trying to reconnect with the land.

Some are even returning to traditional farming methods, which is a polite way of saying, “getting really into homesteading and goats.”

“We’re seeing a resurgence of people growing their own food,” says Sasha Pennington, a Brooklyn-based urban farmer who has converted her studio apartment balcony into a functional wheat field. “People realize that controlling their own food supply is both empowering and a great excuse to avoid social events.”

Meanwhile, tech billionaires have a different vision for farming:

Vertical farming! Because why grow crops on the ground when you can build a wheat skyscraper?
Lab-grown meat! Because nothing screams “appetizing” like a burger made in a petri dish.
AI-powered tractors! Because if robots take our jobs, they might as well plant tomatoes while they’re at it.

The irony? After centuries of trying to make farming more efficient, we’re realizing that maybe, just maybe, our ancestors knew what they were doing.

Final Thoughts: Was Agriculture a Blessing or a Curse?

So, was agriculture the greatest technological development in history? Or was it humanity’s first big blunder?

Let’s review:

It gave us cities, civilizations, and sandwiches (huge win).
It also gave us taxation, war, and overpriced organic produce (huge loss).
It made life more predictable (good).
It also made life feel like an endless to-do list (bad).

In the end, maybe agriculture was neither a total triumph nor a total disaster—just a weird, complicated, inevitable step in human evolution.

But if you ever find yourself standing in the grocery store, staring at a $10 avocado and wondering how we got here, just remember:

It all started with one lazy caveman who just really didn’t feel like chasing a mammoth that day.

A Civilization-Breaking News Exclusive

What the Funny People are Saying

“Agriculture gave us bread, but at what cost?” — John Mulaney

“We domesticated cows, and now they judge us from their fields. Who’s the real winner here?” — Ali Wong

“If farming is so easy, why does every tomato plant I own die immediately?” — Jerry Seinfeld

“We spent thousands of years inventing agriculture so we could eat better. Now we’re paying $12 for a salad with three leaves in it.” — Jim Gaffigan

“Hunter-gatherers used to wake up, eat berries, and take a nap. Now, I wake up, check my emails, and have a panic attack. Progress!” — Nate Bargatze

“Farming gave us beer, but it also gave us gluten allergies. I feel like that cancels out.” — John Mulaney

“You know farming was a mistake because now we have something called ‘Kale Chips.’” — Ali Wong

“Agriculture is just humanity’s long-winded way of admitting, ‘Yeah, we got tired of running after our food.’” — Ron White

“Farming was humanity’s first group project, and just like all group projects, half the people refused to do any work.” — Bill Burr

“Before agriculture, there was no such thing as ‘Monday.’ Let that sink in.” — Lewis Black

“Imagine explaining Whole Foods prices to the first farmer. ‘Yeah, people will spend their entire paycheck on an avocado.’” — Trevor Noah

“Cavemen invented farming so they wouldn’t have to chase mammoths anymore. Now I’m chasing a treadmill so I don’t die of carbs. What a full-circle moment.” — Sebastian Maniscalco

“I tried growing my own food once. Turns out, food really likes to die.” — Taylor Tomlinson

“Hunter-gatherers never had to deal with landlords. If I could trade Wi-Fi for free rent in a cave, I’d do it.” — Dave Chappelle

“If we had just kept hunting and gathering, we wouldn’t have to sit through HOA meetings today.” — Kevin Hart

“Agriculture made life easier, but it also made taxes possible. So… thanks?” — Sarah Silverman

“Farmers figured out how to grow food. Then capitalism figured out how to charge you extra for the organic version of the same food.” — Chris Rock

Disclaimer

This article is a 100% human collaboration between the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Any resemblance to actual historical events is entirely accurate, albeit exaggerated for comedic effect.

BOHINEY FARM – A satirical news magazine cover titled “The Greatest Technological Development in Human History_ The Day We Stopped Running and Started Planting.” The- Alan Nafzger 6

15 Observations on the Advent of Agriculture

Agriculture: The Original ‘Farmville’ Addiction

Imagine ancient humans obsessing over their crops, much like we do with virtual farms today.
From Hunter-Gatherers to Hunter-Gathering Recipes

Once we settled down, the real quest began: finding the perfect paleo diet.
Domesticating Animals: The First Reality TV Show

Who needs drama series when you have goats refusing to be herded?
Irrigation: Ancient Man’s Version of Indoor Plumbing

Because even then, nobody wanted to trek to the river before their morning coffee.
The Invention of the Plow: Early Man’s Midlife Crisis Purchase

“I could get a sports chariot, or… hear me out… a plow!”
Crop Rotation: Farming’s Answer to ‘I’m Bored’

When ancient farmers got tired of the same old grain, they invented crop rotation.
Barns: The Original Man Caves

A place where early farmers could escape and ponder, “Why did we stop hunting again?”
Scarecrows: Proof That Even Crows Fear Bad Fashion

Nothing says “stay away” like grandpa’s old tunic stuffed with hay.
Granaries: Ancient World’s Attempt at ‘Saving for Retirement’

Because you never know when a famine or a surprise visit from in-laws might hit.
Fertilizer: When Nature Calls… You Answer

Early farmers realized that sometimes, you have to deal with crap to grow.
Weeding: The Original Whac-A-Mole Game

No matter how many you pull, they just keep popping up.
Harvest Festivals: Celebrating Not Starving

“We didn’t die this year! Let’s party!”
Stone Sickle: Because Nothing Says Efficiency Like a Dull Rock

Early tools made harvesting a real ‘cutting-edge’ experience.
Trading Crops: The First Stock Exchange

“I’ll give you three bushels of wheat for that fancy new spear.”
Farming: Turning ‘Playing in the Dirt’ into a Profession

Who knew that mud pies would lead to civilization?