Belgian-Israeli diamond tycoon, Ehud Arye Laniado, is dead after reaching the peennacle of success sought by all entrepeeneurs dissatisfied with their small inheritance: lying on a gurney while a complete stranger injects ass-fat into their penis after slicing a ligament to double its length by three schlongimeters.
The most notable Belgian mutilator since King Leopold II, Laniado jerked himself into the afterlife at a private French sausage clinic while undergoing bonérre enlargement surgery. His diamond company described the dearly deflated as a “visionary businessman” who failed to envision getting killed by his own business.
Authorities are currently investigating Laniado’s penis as a “penis of interest” but they’re not confident anything will pop up.
The French penis clinic’s dick-surgeon, Dick Surgeon, released this disappointingly short statement to the public: “The patient is now stiffer than ever before. We guarantee results!”
Laniado and his penis had been due to appear in a Belgian Court the following week to face tax evasion charges and possible stiffy fines. While Laniado hoped to get off, his penis confided he could only afford pro boner services and would probably settle for a hung jury.
Some are saying the Belgian oligarch’s unspeakable incident echoes the central themes of power and madness within Joseph Conrad’s lesser-known novella “Hard-On of Darkness.1
Recovery time after penis enlargement surgery varies depending on the procedure. It may take several weeks to months for the penis to fully heal or admit anything was wrong.
Doctors advise the penis should get plenty of rest, drink six glasses of water a day and not operate any heavy machinery.
Doing weird shit to your salad mixer isn’t something most men want to make public. In 2023, rapper 50 Cent sued a gossip blog because they claimed he had work done on his penis so he could change his name to 50 Smackeroonies.
People with Penile Underassessment Dysmorphophobia Disorder, or PUDD, believe their penis is smaller than it actually is and other people’s penises are bigger than they actually are. PUDD can lead to depression, cause problems with erections, and more importantly, cause problems with elections.
According to a recent study published in the National Library of Medicine, the average length of a penis is 3.6 inches long when flaccid, 5.2 inches long when erect, and negative 4 inches long when within hearing distance of Marjorie Taylor Greene.
Other forms of PUDD include:
Pointless PUDD, where people believe their penis is larger than everyone else’s- but not enough to notice.
PIOTD or Penis In Our Time Disorder, in which the penis keeps waving a piece of paper signed by Hitler.
Laniado’s last wishes were that he and his penis be implanted in Israel because it’s the land of the chosen pee hole.
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Author: Jim Earl
Karen O’Blivious – Senior political correspondent who insists she’s neutral but only interviews people who agree with her.