Somehow, in wild defiance of everything that has ever given order to the universe, I have come around to the idea that the Beatles might be overrated. Given that rich white men are wrecking the world everywhere, I am in the early stages of the Doing The Work masochism marathon, which means evaluating my relationship to Whiteness and its cultural outputs. In between pondering my Decolonizing My Mind status, I have revisited all of the old viral thinkpieces of why the Beatles were only ever successful because of white Boomer culture and how their musical legacy has been built on a string of lies. Upon further reconsideration, I don’t think they’ve ever produced a single hit song.
“I Want to Hold Your Hand”
“Whose hand are you holding?”
“Let It Be”
“Let it be what?”
“Hey Jude”
“My name is Sam.”
“Yesterday”
“When?”
“Don’t Let Me Down”
“Already did…”
“Here Comes the Sun”
“Where?”
“Paperback Writer”
“I’ve got a Kindle.”
“Revolver”
“Already strapped.”
“Come together”
“No thanks.”
“Helter Skelter”
“Hellen Keller?”
“Eleanor Rigby”
“I didn’t watch the Regular Show.”
“Blackbird”
“What’d you call me?”
“I’m so Tired”
“Then sleep?”
“She Came In Through the Bathroom Window”
“Just use the front door.”
“Now and Then”
“Not now, not ever.”
“Baby You’re a Rich Man”
“I’m broke AF.”
“Get Back”
“Sorry, I’ll give you space.”
“If I Fell”
“I’d get back up.”
“She Loves You”
“I’m gay.”
“Norwegian Wood”
“Woke up with it.”
“Help!”
“You’re on your own.”
“In My Life”
“I have no life.”
“Strawberry Fields Forever”
“Just for a while, thanks.”
“I am the Walrus”
“No, you’re a human.”
“Mean Mr. Mustard”
“The fuck did I do??”
“You Never Give Me Your Money”
“Why would I?”
“Yellow Submarine”
“It imploded.”
“Nowhere man”
“He’s gotta be somewhere!”
“Eight days a week”
“No, there’s only seven.”
“Back in the USSR”
“It’s Russia now.”
“I’ve Just Seen a Face”
“And now you don’t.”
“While My Guitar Gently Weeps”
“Guitars don’t cry.”
“Drive My Car”
“No thanks, I’ll call an Uber.”
“Please Please Me”
“No, you please me.”
“Across the Universe”
“I don’t have a spaceship.”
“Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band”
“I thought I was listening to the Beatles!”
“Revolution 9”
“Actually, yeah—that one’s okay.”
APRIL FOOLS, BITCH!!
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Author: Sam Colt
Karen O’Blivious – Senior political correspondent who insists she’s neutral but only interviews people who agree with her.