Wichita Falls: Four Angry Marxists and a Tumbleweed

The Great Wichita Falls Socialist Rally

WICHITA FALLS, TEXAS — In what experts are calling “a powerful demonstration of the human spirit, assuming the human spirit is four guys with reusable tote bags,” the Wichita County Democratic Association hosted a political rally this Saturday that will go down in Texas history—not because of its size, but because, well, someone brought cookies and nobody showed up to eat them.

That’s right. Four protesters. One picnic table. And one extremely lost Uber Eats driver who asked if this was the line for “Constitutional Carry Karaoke.”

Scene of the Uprising: Eighth Street and Scott Avenue

At precisely 1:03 PM, the protest began—fashionably late, as revolutionaries tend to be—at a sleepy patch of parkland downtown. The four attendees emerged in what might loosely be called “formation,” waving signs and chewing locally sourced beef jerky.

One held a cardboard slab reading “TAX THE RANCHERS,” another displayed “EAT THE RICH (VEGAN OPTIONS AVAILABLE).” A third protester simply wore a Che Guevara shirt with rhinestones and muttered about gentrification, while the fourth man—Kevin, a self-described “guerilla barista”—tried to live-stream the event but forgot to hit record.

What the Funny People Are Saying

“You ever see a political rally so small you could carpool in a Prius and still have room for snacks?” — Jerry Seinfeld

“Four Marxists in Texas is like four Eskimos in a sauna—you’re gonna sweat, and no one’s buying what you’re selling.” — Ron White

“I support their right to protest. I just didn’t know socialism had a ‘tiny house’ version.” — Amy Schumer

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Meet the Revolutionary Vanguard

The group, calling themselves The Wichita Falls People’s Assembly for Justice, Climate, Housing, Vegan Barbecue, and Universal Wi-Fi, spent nearly two hours holding down the corner of Eighth and Scott, clutching their Sharpie-drawn signs and sipping kombucha out of mason jars shaped like Karl Marx’s beard.

Let’s meet them:

• Todd, 31, adjunct professor of “Applied Hegemony” at Wichita Falls Community College. Has been “temporarily” working at a vape shop for 18 months.

• Maya, 27, part-time slam poet and full-time gluten-free revolutionary. She once got banned from a Cracker Barrel for shouting “Defund Pancakes!”

• Derek, 36, who swears he read Das Kapital “in the original Russian.” He did not.

• Kevin, 24, who thinks “dialectical materialism” is a type of hemp clothing.

The Slogan Conundrum

Organizers struggled to agree on a central rally chant. Early attempts included:

• “No justice, no peas!” (a misprint from their food co-op flyer)

• “What do we want? Wealth redistribution! When do we want it? After this kombucha fermenting workshop!”

• “Whose streets? Still mostly yours, actually.”

One witness, Larry McPheeters, a retired rodeo clown turned CPA, watched from a nearby Dairy Queen and said, “I seen bigger crowds at a possum funeral.”

Statistical Evidence: 99.83% of Wichita Falls Did Not Attend

According to a SnapPoll conducted by Texas Gravy Digest, 99.83% of Wichita Falls residents “had other plans” when asked if they’d attend the socialist rally. Some of those plans included:

• “Watch paint dry on the porch.”

• “Practice yodeling.”

• “Do absolutely nothing and still have a better time.”

The Trouble with Marx in Texas

Let’s be real: Marxism isn’t exactly native flora in Texas soil. Texans prefer their freedom smoky, their brisket capitalist, and their property taxes the only thing higher than the summer heat index.

As one rancher told us, “Karl Marx wanted to abolish private property. In Texas, that’s like telling a man to give up his pickup, his brisket rub recipe, and his concealed carry—all in one sentence.”

Red Flags and Red Hats

Though the rally organizers claimed to fear “right-wing surveillance,” the only surveillance they got was a confused 9-year-old flying a red kite nearby. The boy’s father, however, did come over and ask if this was the line for concealed carry classes.

Across the street, two locals held up MAGA hats and offered lemonade. “Capitalist lemonade,” they clarified. “It costs $1. But if these folks wanna redistribute that dollar, we’ll take it.”

Socialist Democracy: A One-Way Street

In interviews with SpinTaxi Magazine, the protesters made it clear: democracy is only real when they win.

Maya told us, “If people vote for conservative policies, it’s because they’ve been brainwashed. But when we vote, it’s pure democracy in action.”

This logic resembles what social scientists call the “Democratic Funhouse Effect”: mirrors everywhere, no self-awareness, and the exit is always locked from the outside.

Protest Fashion: Not Red, But Still Revolutionary

Each protester showed up in their own unique regalia:

• Todd wore a thrifted army jacket covered in handmade patches: “Occupy Applebee’s,” “Woke AF,” and “Taxidermy = Theft.”

• Maya wore recycled hemp overalls, combat boots, and a beret that screamed “gentrified Che.”

• Derek wore a leather vest with a QR code to his TikTok where he critiques capitalism from a kayak.

• Kevin wore socks with sandals and a pin that said “Smash Capitalism, Not My Heart.”

Revolutionary Cuisine: The Potluck That Wasn’t

Organizers promised “a revolutionary picnic,” which consisted of:

• One kale salad no one touched.

• An oatmilk cheese board that melted in 87° sun.

• “Revolutionary Nachos,” which turned out to be flaxseed chips and cashew yogurt.

• Someone brought organic beet hummus. A dog licked it once and walked away.

A Tumbleweed Speaks

Around 2:15 p.m., a tumbleweed rolled past the protest. We caught up with it afterward. In a rare exclusive, the tumbleweed said, “Honestly, I thought it was a cosplay meetup for failed podcasts.”

Expert Opinion: Fake but Accurate

We consulted Dr. Rowena Spleef, an anthropologist who once studied youth rebellion at a Panera Bread. She explained:

“Marxist micro-rallies often exist in inverse proportion to their rhetorical volume. What they lack in size, they compensate with high-fructose outrage and ironic tote bags.”

Dr. Spleef’s study—“From Manifestos to Matcha: Political Alienation in the Gluten-Free Generation”—describes these activists as “political minimalists.” Her research suggests the smaller the crowd, the more likely they are to accuse you of cultural appropriation for owning a microwave.

Eyewitness Testimony: The City Responds

We asked actual Wichita Falls residents for reactions:

Earl, 72, retired fire chief: “They asked me to sign a petition. I thought they were selling Girl Scout cookies, so I gave ‘em five bucks and walked off.”

Nancy, 61, substitute teacher: “They tried to explain worker solidarity to my cat. That’s when I knew this wasn’t a real event.”

Marcus, 19, local college student: “I was gonna join until I saw the beet hummus. There are lines you just don’t cross.”

Social Media Buzz: The Hashtag That Barely Was

Despite efforts to trend under #FallsForSocialism, the rally got just 12 likes on Instagram—10 from bots and 2 from someone named “KarlMarxFan69.” The group’s Facebook Event had 31 RSVPs, though 28 turned out to be burner accounts created to inflate numbers.

Helpful Content: What To Do If You Accidentally Attend a Socialist Rally in Texas

• Step 1: Remain calm. You are not under arrest—just underdressed.

• Step 2: Politely refuse the oatmilk latte.

• Step 3: Do not engage with anyone quoting Chomsky before 10 a.m.

• Step 4: If asked to join the revolution, say you have a brisket in the smoker.

Logical Fallacies Found at the Rally

• False Dilemma: “Either we dismantle capitalism or we all die in climate hell.”

• Appeal to Tradition (but reversed): “Capitalism has failed, even though it built literally everything around us.”

• Red Herring: “We’d have more people if the city hadn’t scheduled that monster truck rally on the same day.”

• Ad Hominem: “Texans just don’t get it because they’re all gun-toting oil addicts.”

• Bandwagon: “Socialism is trending on Tumblr, therefore we are the future.”

Closing Ceremony: A Group Nap

At 2:55 p.m., the four comrades formed a circle, lit a sandalwood candle, and read aloud from The Communist Manifesto while Maya played “Imagine” on a handpan. One guy accidentally summoned a raccoon. It declined to join.

By 3:02 p.m., the event ended with mutual hugs, three Lyft rides home, and one guy riding off on a Bird scooter toward a forgotten world where dreams of free dental care and state-funded goat yoga still lived on.

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Final Thoughts: The Revolution May Be Delayed

The Great Wichita Falls Socialist Rally will be remembered not for its size, its policy proposals, or its chants—but for its pluck, its awkward beet hummus, and the courage it took to yell “Seize the means of production!” to an empty street and a guy walking his dog named “Reagan.”

Let this be a reminder: some revolutions begin with a bang, others with a gluten-free fart in the wind.

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Disclaimer

This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings—a cowboy and a farmer—who have personally seen more people show up to a possum wedding than a Wichita Falls socialist rally. Any resemblance to real events is completely intentional. No oatmilk was harmed in the writing of this piece.

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