North Korean Television

Tonight on NKTV: The Glorious Leader Teaches Kittens to Code

By Special Correspondents at BOHINEY Magazine – The World’s Last Independent Outlet With a Working Printer

In a televised event so surreal it makes Orwell look like a children’s book author, NKTV—the official mouthpiece of North Korea’s ever-expanding Ministry of Miracles—aired a prime-time special titled “The Glorious Leader Teaches Kittens to Code.” Against a backdrop of glittering rocket parades and electronic meowing choirs, the Supreme Programmer-In-Chief instructed a dozen patriotic kittens in basic Python, declaring feline software superiority over the decadent West. But behind the whiskers and syntax lies something far darker: a regime using cuteness as camouflage, propaganda as entertainment, and AI as a leash. Welcome to the soft power nightmare where fur meets fear—and it compiles perfectly.

“You ever notice authoritarian regimes love animals? Probably because they don’t talk back—or sue.”
— Larry David

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Breaking: Reality Now Optional, Authority Mandatory

Tonight’s top story on NKTV, the national broadcaster of the Democratic People’s Republic of Eternal Obedience (formerly North Korea, currently Everywhere You Fear to Speak), featured a groundbreaking segment titled:
“The Glorious Leader Teaches Kittens to Code: The Future of Feline Artificial Intelligence.”

Set against a backdrop of pixelated rainbows and rocket-propelled doves, the Glorious Leader himself—flanked by his usual retinue of trembling violinists, armored ballerinas, and a state-sanctioned emotional support dolphin—demonstrated the art of algorithmic instruction to twelve genetically-ideal kittens. Each kitten, clad in a miniature revolutionary jumpsuit, typed lines of state-approved Python on a keyboard made from harvested Western microchips and the bones of dissenters.

“Comrade Fluffy successfully debugged the missile guidance code that the Americans couldn’t crack!” announced anchorwoman Kim So-Yon, now in her 59th consecutive year of televised orgasmic nationalism.
“Her loyalty is matched only by her tail-wagging execution of functions.”

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The Broadcast that Changed Everything—and Absolutely Nothing

This isn’t just another night of dystopian propaganda. No, “Kittens Who Code” is the first in a 400-part miniseries celebrating the Glorious Leader’s unexpected pivot to STEM education for animals. Part statecraft, part surrealist opera, it’s an attempt to reframe totalitarian absurdity as technological progress.

NKTV’s producers called it “the purring of progress.” Meanwhile, international observers are calling it:

“The most terrifying piece of soft power ever broadcast.” — BBC World’s Final Editor Before Vanishing

“If Orwell and Lisa Frank had a baby and forced it to binge-watch QVC with electrodes.” — Johns Hopkins Media Psychosis Lab

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Kittens, Code, and Compulsory Praise

Each kitten was selected for high emotional resonance and photogenic compliance. Sources confirm the selection process included:

• Tail symmetry exams

• Loyalty tests involving cardboard cutouts of the Glorious Leader

• The ability to meow the party anthem in C major

Eyewitnesses inside the regime—meaning two crows with diplomatic immunity—report that kittens who failed to reach line 12 in their Scratch programming tutorials were reassigned to the Labor Camp for Indecisive Tabby Cats, a facility known for its 72-hour nap cycles and relentless praise of Chairman Mao’s lesser-known haikus.

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What the Funny People Are Saying

“I’ve seen cults, I’ve seen coding bootcamps, but I’ve never seen a cult teach cats to launch satellites. This is either the future or a bad ayahuasca trip I never left.”
— Chris Rock

“I once taught a pug to balance my checkbook, but even I draw the line at weaponized kittens.”
— Jerry Seinfeld

“North Korea’s got cats writing software while my cousin still thinks AOL is the internet.”
— Ron White

“You ever seen a cat debug a ballistic missile app? That’s not dystopia. That’s my aunt’s third marriage.”
— Amy Schumer

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Glorious Evidence of the Glorious Leader’s Glorious Greatness

NKTV’s Chief Science Officer of Feline Innovation (a 12-year-old orphan now named General Algorithm Kim), claimed during a post-segment roundtable:

“Every time a kitten purrs, the Glorious Leader smiles. Every time it compiles code, an imperialist dies.”

Digital evidence supporting this claim included:

• Deepfake testimonials from Steve Jobs, Elon Musk, and a resurrected Alan Turing, all praising the regime for “finally unlocking the true potential of whisker-based programming.”

• A video of a kitten launching a missile using only touchpad gestures and raw patriotic energy.

• A quote from the Glorious Leader himself:

“In the West, cats knock things off tables. In our paradise, they knock satellites into orbit.”

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Propaganda or Just a New Genre of Horror?

International media watchdogs have classified Kittens Who Code as:

• 22% Propaganda

• 13% Situational Terror

• 41% Unintentional Dark Comedy

• 24% Just Cats Being Cats

A leaked memo from inside the regime, scribbled on the back of a fortune cookie from a canceled nuclear summit, revealed the true purpose behind the show:

“Distract, Delight, Delete Dissent. Repeat. Use whiskers.”

Meanwhile, in classrooms across the DPR-Eternal-Obedience, children are now taught programming basics via the Furball Framework—a syntax built entirely around furball-based control flow.

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“Helpful Content” for Curious Citizens: How to Survive a Dystopian Broadcast

So you’re stuck in a totalitarian regime with compulsory 6-hour broadcasts about animals who outperform you in software engineering? Here are some survival tips:

Fake an Allergic Reaction

Cough, sneeze, or burst into interpretive dance. Anything to escape kitten-viewing duty.

Claim You’re a Beta Tester

Say you’re developing a rival coding system for goldfish. Bureaucracy will take 6 months to process your claim.

Distract Authorities with Your Own Feline Talent Show

It doesn’t have to be real. Just say your hamster plays the theremin.

Learn the Basics of Paw-Based JavaScript

Because soon, it’ll be a job requirement. Or worse, a citizenship requirement.

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A Quick Glossary for Viewers in the Free-ish World

• Glorious Leader – May or may not be three raccoons in a jumpsuit. No one has checked since 2023.

• Code – Formerly a language used to communicate with computers. Now, a method to show national allegiance via binary affection.

• Kittens – Domestic animals, now sacred agents of divine programming.

• NKTV – The official media outlet of the New Pan-Eurasian Thought Collective, featuring mandatory content, eternal reruns, and the occasional balloon-rigged assassination warning.

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“Real” Reactions from “Totally Not State-Planted” Citizens

“My child used to play outside. Now he programs with MeowGPT. I am grateful and scared.”
— Woman #334-Approved

“Comrade Whiskers has replaced my husband. He is cleaner, more loyal, and can troubleshoot my VPN.”
— Widow with VPN Access

“I used to hate Mondays. Now I fear Tuesdays because they force us to rewatch the Monday segment frame-by-frame for ‘hidden teachings.’”
— Unnamed Coder, now unnamed prisoner

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Backlash from Abroad

The international community responded with:

• A strongly worded tweet from Luxembourg

• An emergency UN meeting that was accidentally scheduled on a North Korean holiday

• A Netflix pitch to turn the story into a prestige series called Code of Paws

Japan offered to donate their anime cat mascots to support the cause of “Freedom from Feline Fascism.” Meanwhile, Canada released an apology just in case one of their cats had inspired the movement.

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The Slippery Slope of Meow-Led Media

Sociologists warn that state media featuring cute animals with terrifying agendas could spread. Evidence includes:

• Russia launching a Siberian Husky ballet drone program.

• China broadcasting a Giant Panda’s Masterclass in Crypto Surveillance.

• The United States experimenting with a bald eagle-led TED Talk on enforcing tax compliance.

“Once you combine cuteness and authoritarianism, people stop resisting. They start cooing,” said media expert Dr. Gloria Hiss of the University of Paranoia.

“It’s the Hello Kitty Coup.”

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Red Herring or Red Alert?

Some believe the kitten segment is a Red Herring to distract from:

• Food shortages

• Power grid failures

• The recent mysterious disappearance of the national chess champion, who reportedly lost a match to a kitten

Others insist it’s the beginning of a new era, where AI, animal cuteness, and autocratic theatrics merge into one all-powerful force: Catthoritarianism.

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What Comes Next?

Next week on NKTV:
“Glorious Leader Teaches Seagulls to Encrypt.”
— A five-part series filmed entirely at an undisclosed beach made of shredded UN reports.

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Final Thoughts: The Tail That Wags the Nation

If this sounds absurd, that’s because it is. But in the age of weaponized media, absurdity isn’t the opposite of power—it’s its camouflage. When the revolution is televised and the revolution is cute, you’re less likely to notice the barbed wire in the background.

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Funny Disclaimer

This article is a 100% human collaboration between a cowboy and a farmer—both of whom failed basic HTML but can still smell bull when it’s wearing a kitten costume.

No cats were harmed during the writing of this satire, but one tabby did demand royalties and a UN escort out of the story.

Auf Wiedersehen.

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What the Funny People Are Saying about North Korean Television

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“The Glorious Leader teaching kittens to code? Meanwhile, my uncle can’t even log in to Facebook without asking Jesus for help.”
— Ron White

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“Is it just me, or is it weird that North Korea has kittens writing software while my printer still thinks it’s 1998?”
— Jerry Seinfeld

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“If cats are the new programmers, then that explains why my phone keeps autocorrecting ‘hello’ to ‘HAIL SUPREME MEOWMASTER.’”
— Amy Schumer

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“They say cats have nine lives, but in North Korea, they only have one — and it belongs to the government.”
— Chris Rock

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“The Glorious Leader coding with kittens? Great. Meanwhile, I’m just over here trying to teach my grandma the difference between Zoom and a microwave.”
— Sarah Silverman

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“I don’t trust a regime that trains cats to code. You know what cats do? They knock sht over and pretend it’s your fault. That’s already most governments.”*
— Larry David

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“They say it’s the most-watched show in history. Yeah, probably because the remote explodes if you change the channel.”
— Ron White

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“My cat just watched five minutes of NKTV and tried to hack into my bank account. North Korea’s finally won the cyber war.”
— Jerry Seinfeld

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“Only in a dictatorship do you get cats in uniforms and a standing ovation for a PowerPoint titled ‘Scratch and Obey.’”
— Amy Schumer

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“I’d ask where they find these coding kittens, but something tells me it’s wherever they buried the journalists.”
— Chris Rock

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“If you think this is satire, try explaining it to your Alexa. I did and now she’s meowing in binary.”
— Sarah Silverman

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“They say the show’s a huge hit. That’s what happens when ‘ratings’ are just a tally of who’s still breathing after the broadcast.”
— Ron White

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“NKTV is the only network where the weather, traffic, and death threats are all in the same segment.”
— Jerry Seinfeld

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“I once trained a ferret to flush the toilet. That doesn’t make me a dictator—it makes me someone who dates weird people.”
— Amy Schumer

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