Meta’s War on the Elderly: AI Now Flagging “Senile Postests” as National Security Threat

By the Editors of Bohiney.com – Certified 127% funnier than The Onion and 9 out of 10 cats agree it’s better than kibble.

The Rise of the Anti-Boomer Algorithm

In a landmark update quietly rolled out last Thursday at 3:33 a.m.—a time chosen to minimize the possibility of seniors being awake—Meta introduced an artificial intelligence system aimed at one thing: identifying and suppressing senile social media content.

According to leaked internal documents titled “Project Forget-Me-Not,” Meta’s AI is now able to detect elderly users based on a proprietary blend of metadata, post patterns, caption style, and frequency of comments like “How do I turn this off?” or “Is this the Google?”

The result? Thousands of Instagram users aged 65 and up have reported mysterious drops in engagement. Their inspirational quotes are going unliked. Their meatloaf photos are going unseen. Their grandchild shout-outs? Now lost to the void.

Meta denies any ageism, claiming this is all “for user safety,” but according to an insider named “Cheryl from HR,” the real purpose is more dystopian:

“Zuckerberg said, ‘We’ve got to stop the meme-lords of yesteryear before they start another chain email revolt.’”

“Senile Postests” Defined

The term “senile postest” entered the digital lexicon after a 76-year-old grandmother in Fort Wayne accidentally posted 147 blurry selfies, each captioned, “Where is the remote?” The AI flagged it as a “narrative breakdown post” and removed her from visibility.

So what counts as a senile postest?

• Blurry photos of casseroles with no explanation

• Selfies taken with the front camera pointed at the ceiling fan

• Political screeds ending in Bible verses and multiple ellipses…

• Unrequested medical updates involving toe fungus or shingles

• The phrase “just saying” followed by a conspiracy theory

Expert Insight: The Rise of Algorithmic Eldercide

Dr. Keith Smudge, a digital gerontologist and self-described “TikTok funeral influencer,” warns this trend has dangerous implications.

“We’re watching an entire generation get ghosted by the algorithm. This is reverse-age-targeting. First it was MySpace. Then it was Sears. Now it’s Grandma.”

Smudge believes the AI may be interpreting expressions of nostalgia—like sharing a photo of a 1960s rotary phone—as calls to insurrection. “To the algorithm, ‘Remember when gas was 19 cents?’ sounds like a coup.”

What the Funny People Are Saying

Jerry Seinfeld:
“Elderly people are being shadow banned? I thought they were already invisible at restaurants!”

Ron White:
“My aunt got banned for calling kale ‘liberal lettuce.’ I told her to log off and crochet her anger.”

Sarah Silverman:
“I hope Meta shadow bans me when I’m 80. That’s the dream. No comments. No influencers. Just me and my cats in peace.”

AI: The Grandchild That Judges You

Meta’s new system uses something called “Behavioral Age Verification Technology.” According to leaked specs, it works like this:

• If your typing speed drops below 22 words per minute, the system assumes you’re over 70.

• If you accidentally post the same comment six times, the system assumes dementia.

• If you tag the same person in all your posts (usually a grandson named Brett), the system flags you as “influencing under confusion.”

Instagram’s press team insists this is “not discrimination,” but rather “AI-powered compassion.” In a corporate blog post, they wrote:

“We want all users to feel supported. That’s why we’re hiding their content where no one can ever be burdened by it.”

Case Study: Banned at Bingo

Ninety-three-year-old Dolores P. of Pensacola went viral last month after her Instagram account, @PeachCobblerQueen1930, was deactivated for “posting medical misinformation.” Her crime? Sharing a recipe that called for lard.

“They said it was endangering public health,” Dolores sighed. “Meanwhile, I’m just trying to get some likes on my cobbler.”

Meta offered her a pathway to reinstatement: a 15-minute quiz on AI ethics and a CAPTCHA that asked her to identify a bicycle. She failed both.

Digital Discrimination: The Data

In a recent satirical study conducted by the University of Phoenix Online (the campus behind Denny’s), researchers found:

• 81% of users over 65 believe Meta is hiding their posts.

• 63% tried to “report” the AI.

• 47% thought AI stood for “Arthritis Injection.”

• 100% posted a picture of their grandchild with the caption “So proud of my little champ!”

Meanwhile, a poll by Pew Pew Research (a fake subsidiary of Pew Research) found that:

“Algorithms have now replaced teenage sarcasm as the #1 reason grandparents no longer feel welcome on the internet.”

Bingo Influencers Strike Back

At a recent protest outside a Walgreens, dozens of elderly Instagrammers marched with signs like:

• “WE REMEMBER DIAL-UP AND WE DEMAND RESPECT”

• “BRING BACK MY GRANDCHILD’S LIKE”

• “CENSORSHIP IS THE NEW PRUNE JUICE”

The movement, calling itself #GrayOut, claims Meta’s moderation is “part of a wider plot to replace elders with emotionally intelligent refrigerators.”

Leading the charge is @SilverFoxTwerk, a retired jazz dancer and grandfather of 12 who performs TikTok routines set to Benny Goodman.

“They can take my hip, but they can’t take my hashtags,” he growled while doing the Charleston on a Rascal scooter.

Inside Meta’s Headquarters: The Quiet Cull

An anonymous engineer (codenamed “LadleGiraffe17”) revealed that the company’s AI originally confused older users with bots due to their “erratic syntax” and “attachment to landlines.”

“The AI thought the phrase ‘Love you bunches!’ was a malware payload.”

To counter this, Meta began reclassifying these users as “legacy uploads.” One leaked memo even called for a “sentiment firewall” to block “overwhelming nostalgia, guilt-tripping, and homemade gravy imagery.”

Satirical Solutions for Seniors

In response, seniors have begun forming underground support groups. Popular tactics include:

• Posting in Morse code to confuse the algorithm.

• Embedding anti-AI messages in jigsaw puzzle reviews.

• Creating thirst traps involving baked goods to lure back engagement.

One retired schoolteacher even coded an AI filter that replaces all her posts with “Live, Laugh, Love” graphics and vaguely threatening Bible verses.

Tech Bros Respond

Meta CTO Rusty Calzone defended the changes:

“We’re not banning the elderly. We’re just ensuring that people under 90 can scroll through Instagram without stumbling upon a photo of varicose veins.”

When pressed for comment about potential bias, Calzone shrugged:

“Look, I love my Nana, but I don’t want to see her open-mouth kissing a chihuahua in my feed.”

The Future of Elderly Engagement

To address backlash, Meta is launching Instagram: Silver Edition—a special version of the app that features:

• Larger fonts

• Slower scroll speeds

• Built-in insulin tracking

• A “Did I Already Post This?” button

• A warning that says, “Your last 8 posts were about soup. Try something else?”

They’ve also announced a “Grandfluencer Training Academy,” where seniors can learn how to:

• Take selfies that don’t include ceiling tiles

• Caption memes without triggering hate speech violations

• Avoid hashtags like #PrayForFaxMachines

Final Thoughts: A World Without Old Posts?

What happens when AI decides who is too old to be heard?

Today, it’s blurry pictures and roast beef rants.

Tomorrow? We’re deleting the last generation who remembers how to balance a checkbook.

Let us not forget: those same hands that now tremble over touchscreens once beat polio, paid rent with coins, and invented meatloaf. And for that alone, they deserve the right to post gibberish with dignity.

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Satirical Sources:

Meta Deploys “Senile Postest” Filter to Protect Public from Gravy Pics and Reagan Quotes
Grandfluencers Demand Equal Engagement: March on Walgreens Turns Violent After Bingo Game Cut Short
Researchers Confirm: Elderly Posts Now Flagged as Emotional Spam by Meta AI
SoupPics4Justice: Instagrammers Over 80 Sue for Right to Photograph Lunch in Peace
Zuckerberg Accused of Reverse Ageism, Claims It’s “AI Compassion,” Not Censorship
Instagram Silver Edition Beta: App Features Font Size “Like a Billboard” and Monthly Colonoscopy Reminder
AI Flags Bingo Game Livestream as Coordinated Extremism
Florida Grandma Mistaken for Bot, Replaced by AI That Knits in Binary
Meta Intern Confirms: “We Thought They Were Posting from Beyond the Grave”
AARP Declares Meme War, Deploys Troops of Jazzercise Instructors with VHS Tape Weapons

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Auf Wiedersehen from the Cowboy & Farmer Satirical Intelligence Unit, your two sentient human collaborators. No AI was harmed in the making of this story—though several elderly influencers were shadowbanned for asking, “What’s an influencer?”