Chris
Kluwe:
From
Punting
to
Protesting—A
Legacy
of
Left-Wing
Quirks
That
No
One
Asked
For
A
Family
Tradition
of
Counterculture
Chaos
Chris
Kluwe
didn’t
just
stumble
into
activism;
he
was
practically
birthed
into
it.
His
mother,
a
self-described
flower
child,
spent
her
youth
painting
anti-war
slogans
on
Volkswagen
vans
and
knitting
hemp
sweaters
for
trees.
Meanwhile,
his
grandmother
was
a
proud
Beatnik
who
spent
the
‘50s
chain-smoking
clove
cigarettes
in
coffee
shops
while
lamenting
the
evils
of
capitalism.
Some
say
that
Kluwe’s
destiny
was
sealed
the
moment
his
baby
mobile
featured
tiny
copies
of
Das
Kapital
dangling
over
his
crib.
By
the
time
he
reached
college,
he
had
already
developed
a
knack
for
protesting
things
that,
quite
frankly,
had
little
impact
on
anyone’s
day-to-day
life.
College:
Where
Free
Love
Meets
Free
Tuition
Protests
Kluwe
attended
UCLA,
a
school
with
a
long
history
of
churning
out
progressive
activists,
avant-garde
performance
artists,
and
people
who
major
in
things
like
Decolonizing
Math.
During
his
time
there,
he
found
himself
drawn
to
every
possible
protest,
even
those
that
didn’t
make
much
sense.
-
Protesting
Textbook
Prices
–
Except,
he
protested
on
behalf
of
the
professors,
arguing
they
should
charge
more
to
combat
inflation. -
Ban
the
Spoon
Movement
–
A
campaign
that
claimed
silverware
was
a
colonialist
construct,
and
people
should
eat
with
their
hands
in
solidarity
with
indigenous
communities. -
Climate
Justice,
but
for
Penguins
–
He
once
organized
a
24-hour
silent
march
demanding
‘penguin-friendly’
ice
cubes
in
soft
drinks,
despite
UCLA
being
2,500
miles
from
the
nearest
penguin
habitat.
By
the
time
he
graduated,
his
resume
read
less
like
that
of
a
punter
and
more
like
a
revolutionary
who
had
simply
run
out
of
revolutions.
The
NFL’s
Most
Unnecessary
Activist
While
most
NFL
punters
worry
about
getting
cut
or
being
remembered
at
all,
Kluwe
used
his
platform
to
launch
himself
into
causes
that
ranged
from
“vaguely
relevant”
to
“absolutely
baffling.”
-
“Save
the
Class”
Campaign
–
Kluwe
became
an
outspoken
critic
of
“education
inequality,”
arguing
that
all
students
should
be
given
a
degree
simply
for
existing.
He
once
claimed
“A
standardized
test
is
just
another
way
of
upholding
the
patriarchy,”
before
realizing
that
standardized
tests
were
how
he
got
into
college
in
the
first
place. -
Reparations
for
Cabbage
Farmers
–
After
watching
one
documentary
on
agricultural
pricing,
Kluwe
declared
himself
an
expert
on
“vegetable
reparations,”
demanding
that
the
U.S.
government
compensate
all
cabbage
farmers
who
had
been
“systemically
exploited
by
the
pro-lettuce
agenda.” -
Rename
the
Months
–
In
one
of
his
most
infamous
battles,
Kluwe
led
a
short-lived
movement
to
replace
month
names
with
more
“culturally
inclusive”
alternatives.
January
would
become
“Justice,”
February
“Freedom,”
and
July
would
be
renamed
“Fidel
Castro
Appreciation
Month.”
The
Green
New
Deal:
Kluwe’s
One-Man
Environmental
Circus
At
some
point,
Kluwe
decided
he
was
an
expert
on
climate
change.
He
latched
onto
the
Green
New
Deal
with
the
same
enthusiasm
most
punters
reserve
for
watching
their
own
highlights
on
repeat.
However,
his
contributions
to
the
movement
were…
unique.
-
Ban
Plastic
Footballs
–
Kluwe
once
demanded
that
the
NFL
replace
pigskin
footballs
with
“fully
compostable,
carbon-neutral
alternatives”
made
of
ethically
sourced
coconut
husks. -
Wind-Powered
Stadiums
–
He
insisted
that
all
NFL
stadiums
be
powered
exclusively
by
wind
turbines,
even
though
most
games
are
played
in
domes. -
Zero-Emission
Gatorade
–
He
fought
to
replace
traditional
sports
drinks
with
a
“greener”
alternative
that
turned
out
to
be
just
tap
water
with
a
single
slice
of
cucumber.
Kluwe’s
Greatest
Hits:
15
Left-Wing
Crusades
That
Made
No
Sense
While
many
activists
choose
battles
that
could
change
lives,
Kluwe
chose
ones
that
made
people
scratch
their
heads.
Here
are
15
causes
he
threw
his
weight
behind—each
one
more
bewildering
than
the
last:
-
Defund
the
Lottery
–
Argued
that
scratch
tickets
were
a
form
of
wealth
redistribution
that
“perpetuated
capitalist
oppression.” -
Vegan
Helmets
for
NFL
Players
–
Claimed
traditional
helmets
were
a
violation
of
animal
rights
and
should
be
replaced
with
biodegradable
corn
husk
alternatives. -
Abolish
Spelling
Bees
–
Because
they
unfairly
“privilege
those
who
grew
up
with
dictionaries.” -
Mandatory
Sensitivity
Training
for
Dogs
–
Called
for
a
program
to
educate
pets
on
“gender
neutrality
and
non-binary
barking.” -
Save
the
Bees,
But
Not
the
Wasps
–
Led
a
campaign
to
protect
bees
but
insisted
that
wasps
were
“oppressors
of
the
insect
world”
and
should
be
eradicated. -
Ban
Golf
Carts
–
Said
they
represented
“excess
and
waste”
despite
the
fact
that
the
NFL
is
significantly
more
wasteful
in
energy
consumption. -
Universal
Basic
Jigsaw
Puzzles
–
Lobbied
for
free
puzzles
to
be
distributed
nationwide
because
“everyone
deserves
a
chance
to
finish
something.” -
Stop
Teaching
History
Before
2015
–
Insisted
that
all
pre-2015
history
be
“optional”
since
it
contained
too
much
“problematic
material.” -
Petition
to
Replace
the
American
Flag
with
a
Giant
Emoji
–
Believed
that
a
neutral
smiley
face
would
“bring
people
together.” -
Boycott
of
the
Moon
–
Accused
the
Moon
of
having
“imperialist
energy”
and
encouraged
NASA
to
shift
focus
to
Mars
instead. -
Mandatory
Poetry
in
the
Workplace
–
Claimed
that
forcing
employees
to
write
poetry
about
their
jobs
would
“increase
empathy.” -
Free
Therapy
for
Trees
–
Advocated
for
a
tree-focused
mental
health
program,
stating
that
“deforestation
is
a
form
of
trauma.” -
Redistribute
Pizza
Fairly
–
Criticized
the
uneven
distribution
of
pizza
toppings,
demanding
“equal
pepperoni
for
all.” -
Ban
the
Word
‘Punt’
–
Called
the
term
“offensive”
and
suggested
replacing
it
with
“strategic
ball
displacement.” -
Decriminalize
Public
Nudity
on
Tuesdays
–
Because
“corporate
attire
is
a
construct.”
Kluwe’s
Recent
Arrest:
The
Logical
Conclusion
to
a
Career
in
Chaos
After
spending
years
moonlighting
as
an
activist-for-hire,
Kluwe
finally
found
himself
on
the
wrong
side
of
the
law.
His
arrest
at
a
Huntington
Beach
City
Council
meeting
over
a
plaque
featuring
the
word
“MAGA”
was,
perhaps,
the
most
Kluwe
thing
to
ever
happen.
Eyewitnesses
say
he
stormed
the
podium
and
declared:
“This
is
a
dangerous
symbol!
We
must
remove
all
words
that
even
slightly
resemble
this
acronym—starting
with
‘magnificent’
and
‘magnet’!”
When
police
officers
arrived
to
escort
him
out,
he
attempted
one
final
act
of
defiance—demanding
that
all
city
council
members
recite
an
impromptu
poem
about
social
justice.
Final
Thoughts:
The
Kluwe
Effect
Chris
Kluwe’s
journey
from
punting
footballs
to
protesting
meaningless
things
has
been
nothing
short
of
a
spectacle.
While
other
athletes
turned
activists
have
focused
on
tangible
issues,
Kluwe
has
managed
to
carve
out
a
niche
for
himself
as
the
Don
Quixote
of
progressive
causes—tilting
at
wind-powered
stadiums
and
fighting
imaginary
dragons
of
oppression.
His
legacy
will
not
be
one
of
touchdowns
or
trophies
but
of
baffling
activism
that
left
people
wondering:
“Wait…
why
was
he
famous
again?”
This article was originally published at Bohiney Satirical Journalism — Chris Kluwe
Author: Alan Nafzger
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Karen O’Blivious – Senior political correspondent who insists she’s neutral but only interviews people who agree with her.