Mitch McConnell Retires

Mitch
McConnell
Retires:
Nation
Braces
for
Least
Exciting
Plot
Twist
in
History

Old
Turtle
Exits,
New
Turtle
Enters—Senate
GOP
Leadership
to
Remain
as
Electrifying
as
a
C-SPAN
Marathon

WASHINGTON,
D.C.
—
The

political
world
was
shaken
(but
not
stirred)
as
Senate
Minority
Leader

Mitch
McConnell,
the
reigning
champion
of
legislative
stillness,
announced
he
would
be
stepping
down
from
his
role
after
17
years
of
mastering
the
art
of
staring
blankly
at

America.

With
McConnell
finally
leaving
his

leadership
post,
the

GOP
is
ready
for
a
new
era—an
era
that
will
look
suspiciously
identical
to
the
last
one,
except
this
time,
with
John
Thune’s
slightly
less
reptilian
face
at
the
helm.

McConnell
Bids
Adieu:
A
Farewell
as
Emotionally
Charged
as
a
Library
PSA

McConnell’s
farewell

speech,
delivered
in
his
signature
cadence
of
“tortoise
caught
in
a
slow-motion
time
warp,”
lasted
14
minutes,
during
which
he
successfully
blinked
twice.
“It
is
time
for
a
new
generation
to
step
forward,”
McConnell
mumbled,
before
pausing
so
long
that

reporters
had
to
double-check
if
he
was
still
operational.

“He
led
with
the
vigor
of
a
sloth
and
the
charm
of
a
grandfather
clock,”
said
one
Senate
staffer,
who
wished
to
remain
anonymous
due
to
an
overwhelming
fear
of
McConnell’s
passive-aggressive
retaliation
in
the
form
of
prolonged,
unbroken
eye
contact.

Political
analysts
were
quick
to
point
out
that
McConnell’s
departure
doesn’t
mean
a
dramatic
shake-up—just
a
slight
shift
in
leadership
from
“pressing
pause”
to
“pressing
slow
forward.”

John
Thune:
The
Future
of
Republican
Leadership,
or
the
Perfect
Background
Character?

John
Thune,
a
man
whose
name
is
mostly
known
to
political
junkies,
his
extended
family,
and
exactly
four
confused
South
Dakota

voters,
is
set
to
take
over.
Thune,
who
possesses
all
the
fiery
charisma
of
a
slightly
animated
portrait,
has
promised
to
“lead
with
strength,

wisdom,
and
a
nearly
imperceptible
presence.”

The
American
public
responded
to
his
rise
with
a
collective
“Who?”
before
doing
a

Google
search
and
immediately
forgetting
what
they
found.

Political
strategist
Mark
Gibbons
offered
his
analysis:
“McConnell
stepping
down
is
like
when
your
local
post
office
gets
a
new
manager.
Nothing
really
changes,
except
maybe
the
waiting
time
goes
up
by
three
seconds.”

Thune’s
Leadership
Plan:
Bold,
Visionary,
and
Likely
to
be
Forgotten
by
Lunch

Thune
has
outlined
an
ambitious
vision
for
the
GOP,
which
includes:

• Standing
  in
  opposition
  to
  things
• Occasionally
  nodding
  during
  
  meetings
• Continuing
  McConnell’s
  legacy
  of
  slow,
  deliberate
  blinking
• Avoiding
  all
  facial
  expressions
  that
  might
  indicate
  human
  emotions

Thune,
a
former
South
Dakota
rancher,
insists
that
his
leadership

style
will
be
different
from
McConnell’s,
though
experts
believe
the
difference
will
be
about
as
noticeable
as
switching
from
beige
to
off-white.

McConnell’s
Retirement
Plans:
Staring,
Sitting,
and
Maybe
Fishing
(But
Mostly
Staring)

After
decades
in
the
Senate,
McConnell
is
looking
forward
to
a
well-earned
retirement
back
in
Kentucky,
where
he
plans
to
do
what
he
does
best:
exist
in
a
motionless
state
for
extended
periods
of
time.

He
is
rumored
to
have
several
hobbies
lined
up,
including:

• Sitting
  in
  a
  rocking
  chair
  and
  thinking
  about
  blocking
  bills
  he’s
  no
  longer
  in
  charge
  of
• Watching
  reruns
  of
  himself
  on
  C-SPAN
  and
  critiquing
  his
  own
  lack
  of
  movement
• Writing
  a
  memoir
  titled
  
  The
  Art
  of
  Saying
  No
  While
  Saying
  Nothing
  at
  All
• Attempting
  to
  complete
  a
  wink
  before
  Christmas

One
close
associate
speculated
that
McConnell’s
next
challenge
might
be
blending
into
a
collection
of
wax
statues
at
Madame
Tussauds,
a
feat
many
say
he’s
been
preparing
for
his
entire
career.

Thune:
The
Man,
The
Myth,
The
“Wait,
Who
is
This
Again?”

Despite
his
ascension
to

power,
John
Thune
remains
a
political
mystery
to
many
Americans.
Even
some
of
his
Republican
colleagues
admit
they
are
unsure
if
he’s
ever
actually
spoken
in
a

meeting.

“John
Thune?
Oh
yeah,
I
think
I
met
him
once,”
said
one
GOP
senator.
“Or
maybe
that
was
just
a
cardboard
cutout.
Hard
to
say.”

Thune
is
widely
regarded
as
the
most
generic
politician
currently
serving
in
office,
a
fact
that
many
believe
makes
him
uniquely
suited
to
the
position.
“You
don’t
want
a
leader
who
overshadows
the
party,”
explained
GOP
strategist
Linda
Dunlap.
“You
want
someone
who
blends
seamlessly
into
the
background,
like
elevator
music
or
beige
wallpaper.”

GOP
Leadership:
Same
Beige,
Different
Shade

As
Thune
takes
the
reins,
political
experts
predict
that
his
impact
will
be
somewhere
between
“mildly
noticeable”
and
“utterly
forgettable.”

“If
McConnell
was
the
human
embodiment
of
a
pause
button,
Thune
is
like
when
you
hit
play
but
the
movie
is
buffering,”
said
political
humorist
Jane
Walters.

Late-night
hosts,
delighted
by
McConnell’s
departure,
struggled
to
find
material
for
Thune.
“We
tried,”
admitted

John
Oliver,
“but
he’s
just…
there.
It’s
like
roasting
a
bowl
of
plain
oatmeal.”

America
Reacts:
From
Mild
Disinterest
to
Absolute
Indifference

Across
the
nation,
voters
expressed
a
range
of
emotions
about
this
political
shift,
from
light
confusion
to
total
apathy.

“I
was
excited
for
a
moment,”
admitted
one
Republican
voter.
“But
then
I
realized
I
was
just
thinking
about
my
coffee
order.”

A

CNN
poll
found
that
when
asked
about
Thune’s
leadership,
72%
of
respondents
answered,
“Who’s
that?”
while
18%
said,
“I
thought
that
was
a
type
of
fish.”

McConnell
Leaves
a
Legacy
of…
Something?

As
historians
work
tirelessly
to
summarize
McConnell’s
impact,
early
drafts
of
his
legacy
statement
include
phrases
like:

• “He
  was
  
  present
  for
  many
  important
  moments
  in
  history,
  mostly
  by
  sitting
  there.”
• “A
  master
  of
  the
  filibuster,
  or
  as
  some
  called
  it,
  ‘talking
  slowly
  until
  everyone
  lost
  interest.’”
• “Shaped
  American
  
  politics
  the
  way
  a
  light
  breeze
  shapes
  a
  mountain—technically
  present,
  but
  largely
  unnoticed.”

His
final
gift
to
the
GOP
is
John
Thune,
a
man
who
is
expected
to
lead

Republicans
into
the
future
with
all
the
force
of
a
gently
floating
feather.

Helpful
Content
for
Confused
Readers

• 
  Who
  is
  John
  Thune?
  He’s
  a
  Republican
  senator
  from
  South
  Dakota
  and
  soon-to-be
  GOP
  leader.
  You
  may
  not
  have
  heard
  of
  him,
  but
  don’t
  worry—you’re
  not
  alone.
• 
  Will
  he
  be
  different
  from
  McConnell?
  That
  depends
  on
  how
  you
  define
  “different.”
• 
  Why
  does
  this
  matter?
  In
  the
  grand
  scheme
  of
  things,
  it
  probably
  doesn’t.
• 
  Will
  we
  ever
  see
  McConnell
  again?
  Only
  if
  the
  lighting
  is
  just
  right.

Disclaimer

This
article
is
a
collaboration
between
an

80-year-old
with
tenure
and
a


20-year-old
philosophy-major-turned-dairy-farmer,
ensuring
a
mix
of
wisdom
and
deeply
questionable
life
choices.
No
tortoises
were
harmed
in
the
making
of
this

satire.

This article was originally published at Bohiney Satirical Journalism — Mitch McConnell Retires

Author: Alan Nafzger

OTHER SITES
Go to google.al
Go to google.bj
Go to google.am
Go to google.bs
Go to google.as
Go to google.ca
Go to google.at
Go to google.cd