John Belushi’s Love Life

John Belushi’s Romantic History

A Love Life Sponsored by Cheeseburgers, Chaos & Cocaine

By Staff Writers at Bohiney Magazine — Certified 127% Funnier Than The Onion
Filed under: Romance, Comedy, Tragedy, Saturated Fat

HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA – If love is a battlefield, John Belushi was a shirtless, screaming general charging into the fray with a kielbasa in one hand and a fire extinguisher in the other. While many remember the late comedian for The Blues Brothers, Animal House, and yelling “No Coke—Pepsi!” with the passion of a Greek tragedy, few understand that Belushi’s real masterpiece was his chaotic, ill-advised, and suspiciously snack-themed romantic career.

Today, we take a deep-fried dive into the untold romantic history of John Belushi: a love life more unpredictable than the trajectory of a hurled bratwurst at a frat party.

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Judith Jacklin: The Ride-or-Die Before Uber Made It Cool

Let’s begin with the one woman who stuck around longer than a chili stain on a white tuxedo: Judith Jacklin. Belushi met her in high school, allegedly after beaning her with an oar during a canoe jousting match in gym class.

According to the official biography, their courtship involved Belushi serenading her with kazoo solos and the phrase, “Babe, someday I’ll be so famous, I’ll get kicked out of Studio 54 twice in one night.”

They got married in 1976, and Judy became the only known human capable of navigating John’s emotional GPS, which mostly said, “In 500 feet, throw a chair and demand cheeseburgers.”

She co-wrote scripts, managed his schedules, and according to rumors, talked him down from at least three spontaneous declarations of war against David Spade.

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Cathy Evelyn Smith: The Dealer Cupid Sent by Mistake

If Judy was his anchor, Cathy Evelyn Smith was the cannonball chained to his ankle—full of passion, intrigue, and enough narcotics to make Hunter S. Thompson look like a dentist.

Cathy was Belushi’s on-again, off-again companion during the late ’70s and early ’80s, a time when disco was dying and everyone’s nasal passages were filled with either regret or cocaine.

Smith, a former singer and self-described “Canadian chaos goblin,” later confessed to injecting Belushi with the speedball that ended his life. Their love was intense. The kind of intensity you get when mixing nitroglycerin with a Slip ‘N Slide.

Friends described their bond as “toxic, electric, and occasionally sponsored by pharmaceutical-grade madness.”

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The Cheeseburger Waitresses of Chicago

Though unconfirmed by biographers, former employees at Billy Goat Tavern in Chicago claim that between 1977–1980, Belushi romantically pursued a rotating cast of cheeseburger waitresses, each more unimpressed than the last.

Witness accounts describe Belushi bursting into the kitchen with a boom mic, proposing with onion rings, and once trying to “consummate” something near the mustard pump.

One waitress, Dolores “Didi” Gonzalez, told Bohiney:

“He said I had the buns of a goddess. I told him his breath smelled like regret and meat sweats.”

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Bambi Woods: The Urban Legend of Love and Lubricant

According to a tabloid discovered under three inches of Velveeta in an Iowa truck stop, Belushi once shared a night of passion with Debbie Does Dallas star Bambi Woods.

While no official documentation exists, several mid-tier comedians claim they once overheard Belushi refer to her as “my muse and my chiropractor.”

Their relationship was allegedly so brief, the only memento left behind was a broken beanbag chair and an unreleased disco track called “Moan House.”

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Gilda Radner: Platonic Mayhem, but Make It Feminist

In the Holy Church of ’70s Comedy, Gilda and John were comedy saints—except their miracles involved seltzer bottles, pies, and interrupting Jane Curtin.

Despite never dating romantically, theirs was a love forged in comic fire. Gilda was the only woman allowed to punch John in the stomach for interrupting her Weekend Update rehearsals, which he did regularly, shouting, “I AM THE UPDATE!”

It was reported that Belushi once sent Gilda 3,000 balloons filled with expired yogurt as a birthday prank. She responded by swapping his cocaine with baby powder. It took him two days to notice.

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That Time He Hit on Lorne Michaels

In what remains one of Saturday Night Live’s most notorious HR violations, Belushi once attempted to seduce creator Lorne Michaels with a kazoo rendition of Barry White’s “Can’t Get Enough of Your Love.”

Michaels, startled and holding a wine spritzer, reportedly muttered:

“I don’t know whether to give him a raise or call security.”

The moment is dramatized in the unauthorized musical “Broadway Blues: Belushi Unhinged.”

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Miss Piggy: The Vegas Marriage That Lasted 14 Minutes

Drunken marriage in Vegas? Cliché. Getting hitched to a Muppet? Pure Belushi.

The story goes that during a post-Blues Brothers party in 1981, Belushi wandered into a puppet convention at Caesar’s Palace, mistook Miss Piggy for an avant-garde drag queen, and demanded she marry him “before the ham goes bad.”

The marriage was annulled within 14 minutes when Piggy realized Belushi had no intention of converting to foam-based puppetry religion.

Kermit issued a public statement:

“We do not endorse hog-wild unions. Also, stop mailing us bacon.”

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The Bag of Doritos That Got Away

Perhaps Belushi’s truest, purest love was not human. According to ex-roommate Dan Aykroyd, there was a period in 1980 where Belushi refused to leave his apartment for three days after discovering a new flavor of Cool Ranch.

“He would cradle the bag like a newborn, whispering lines from Hamlet to it,” Aykroyd said. “It was disturbing. Yet beautiful.”

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Rumors About Joan Jett, Entirely Started By Us

There’s zero proof of this, but if we don’t start it, someone else will. So here goes: Belushi once tried to seduce Joan Jett by showing up at a Blackhearts gig dressed as a leather-wrapped jalapeño. She allegedly said, “You’re not punk enough to carry my amp,” and walked away into rock history.

He responded by writing a country song titled “Rebel Without a Bra Strap.”

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The Spiritual Connection With a Grilled Cheese Sandwich

In 1981, Belushi was on set for Neighbors when he reportedly fell in love with a grilled cheese sandwich served at craft services. The affair was brief but heated. Literally.

Witnesses say Belushi “whispered secrets” to the sandwich before eating it in front of the director. “That’s how I process intimacy,” he explained while wiping Velveeta tears from his face.

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John Belushi’s Love Life…

Comedian Takes on the Belushi Love Saga

“John Belushi’s love life was like if Romeo & Juliet took place in a White Castle.”
— Ron White

“He loved hard, lived fast, and died in the arms of snack food.”
— Jerry Seinfeld

“Belushi made loving a hurricane look like a weekend spa retreat.”
— Larry David

“The man was passion on legs. And sometimes, passion on pizza.”
— Sarah Silverman

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The FBI Files on Belushi’s Romantic Escapades (Declassified by Accident)

Unsealed under the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA), the following excerpts come from a now-declassified file titled Operation Blues Flame:

• 1980, Studio 8H: “Belushi attempted to propose to Laraine Newman using a ring made of Twizzlers and bubblegum. She accepted, then declined, then ate the ring.”

• 1979, New Orleans: “Spotted crying in a jazz bar, telling a saxophone player, ‘I just want someone to watch cartoons with who won’t judge my nacho habits.’”

• 1981, Planet Earth: “Listed as ‘romantically unstable but dangerously charming. Avoid contact unless armed with sarcasm and antacids.’”

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Legacy of Love: Judy Belushi-Pisano’s Fight to Humanize the Madness

After Belushi’s death in 1982, Judy dedicated her life to preserving his legacy and scrubbing his name from the permanent record of Saturday Night Liver Damage. She co-authored memoirs, sued producers, and even tried to block a script titled Love in the Time of Spaghetti.

In her words:

“John wasn’t just drugs and chaos. He was also sandwiches, and once in a while, he wrote me poems made of ketchup.”

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Conclusion: The Heart Wants What the Arteries Fear

John Belushi’s love life was less about romance and more about gravitational pull. He didn’t fall in love—he cannonballed into it. Sometimes with a kazoo. Sometimes with a Twinkie. Always with the volume turned up to 11.

He loved like he performed: unpredictably, unapologetically, and occasionally while wearing someone else’s shoes.

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John Belushi’s Love Life – Disclaimer

This article is a wholly human collaboration between two sentient beings: a cowboy who once dated a mime and a farmer who fell in love with a mechanical bull. No AI was involved in the destruction of celebrity reputations or the consumption of novelty cheese snacks.

All relationships described herein are based on rumor, speculation, comedy, expired police reports, ghost interviews, and the lingering smell of late-’70s cologne.

This is satire. Please don’t sue us. Or do—Belushi would’ve loved the drama.

Auf Wiedersehen!
Brought to you by Bohiney Magazine — Your #1 Source for Romantic Lies, Cheeseburger Truths, and Unsolicited Ketchup Poetry.

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