DEEPSEEK and Destroy: How China Bankrupted Itself Trying to Eavesdrop on Chad from Omaha
Filed from the surveillance-proof barn office at Bohiney.com, where even the AI has a mullet.
China’s $40 Billion AI Surveillance Boondoggle
Once hailed as the “brain of the future,” China’s DEEPSEEK artificial intelligence program has achieved one thing with supreme precision: it has bankrupted the Communist Party trying to decode American chaos. Built to predict U.S. strategies, influence geopolitics, and outwit the West, DEEPSEEK now mostly returns, “Server busy, try again later.”
According to reports that fell off the back of a government VPN, DEEPSEEK was trained on 73 years of intercepted American gibberish—from sitcoms and Yelp reviews to every podcast ever recorded in a Colorado basement. Its top strategic conclusion? “Americans fear nothing… except being left unread.”
“DEEPSEEK was supposed to spy on America. Instead, it binge-watched Guy Fieri and called it counterintelligence.” — Ron White
The Server That Cried Wolf (and Then Crashed)
As DEEPSEEK gulped down data like a frat boy on spring break, its daily output dwindled to a single phrase: “Server busy.” This is now engraved on the doors of the Ministry of Technology, and in some schools, it’s being taught as China’s new patriotic slogan.
In one televised address, a visibly exhausted tech officer held up a fried GPU like it was a sacred relic and declared, “We gave the machine the power of the gods… and it chose TikTok.”
Spying on America While Feeding Peasants Alfalfa
DEEPSEEK Is Bankrupting China
Meanwhile, as billions poured into training clusters and cloud infrastructure, Chinese farmers were downgraded to a hay-based diet. Peasant subsidies were reclassified as “AI sacrifice rations,” and alfalfa became the number-one grain on state menus.
One farmer in Yunnan reported, “The only protein I’ve seen this month came from a PowerPoint on synthetic beef,” while an economist admitted, “The economy isn’t shrinking—it’s being fed to the AI in exchange for lunch photos from Ohio.”
Taiwan Mistaken for a Sauce Packet
When instructed to generate a Taiwan invasion strategy, DEEPSEEK responded:
“Taiwan: tangy, spicy, best served with dumplings. 4.2 stars on Yelp.”
The PLA canceled amphibious drills and ordered a national review of condiment intelligence. A general reportedly wept as he whispered, “We almost invaded a dipping sauce.”
Joe Rogan: Supreme Leader of the West?
After devouring thousands of hours of podcast content, DEEPSEEK concluded that Joe Rogan governs the Western world and that creatine is a key element of NATO defense.
Chinese military brass received a 118-slide PowerPoint presentation titled: “The Brotein Doctrine.” One slide featured Rogan shirtless, with the caption: “He commands elk, controls discourse.”
Baby Boom Boom in Kentucky
DEEPSEEK Is Bankrupting China
DEEPSEEK triggered a red alert after hearing “Boom boom!” on an American baby monitor. Thinking it had intercepted a weapons launch, it called for immediate analysis. Four CCP analysts fainted. Two submitted resignation letters scribbled in crayon.
Later, it was confirmed the “payload” was a diaper, and the only casualty was a box of baby wipes.
Strategic Intelligence From Reddit and Uno
When DEEPSEEK couldn’t crack Pentagon code, it turned to Reddit. Its most cited sources became threads titled, “What if raccoons ran the Senate?” and “Florida Man: Weaponized Humidity.” Based on this, it reclassified Florida as a tactical threat with unpredictable airboat-based offenses.
For war game simulations, DEEPSEEK modeled American family dynamics by running 92 million Uno games. It still cannot determine when to play a Draw 4. The last time it did, half of Guangdong went dark.
“Florida Man is now a classified military threat? Hell, he’s been that since the first Waffle House wedding.” – Dave Chappelle
Losing Wordle, Losing Face
In an attempt to “beat the West at its own games,” DEEPSEEK was tasked with playing Wordle. It guessed “spork” for 37 straight days. When it finally got “thyme,” it declared English “an act of psychological warfare” and stopped responding to prompts.
Xi Jinping reportedly stormed into the server room and shouted, “Do you even guess, bro?”
Language Model Trained on Prank Videos
To enhance natural language understanding, DEEPSEEK watched 14,000 hours of YouTube prank videos. Now, whenever it detects a national emergency, it shouts “It’s just a prank, bro!” and sends a GIF of a skateboarder crashing into a mailbox.
Its top linguistic breakthrough was identifying “bruh” as both a greeting and a threat.
Solving Geopolitics With Sitcoms
Heavily trained on sitcom scripts, DEEPSEEK began proposing international solutions modeled on Friends. One simulation had Kamala Harris marrying a North Korean diplomat in Central Perk, followed by a dance-off to prevent nuclear war.
The PLA rejected this plan after DEEPSEEK included a laugh track with every missile launch.
“Florida Man” Declared Rogue Nation
Upon processing 87,000 Florida headlines, DEEPSEEK elevated “Florida Man” to rogue-state status. Military planners received a document titled, “Florida Man: Shirtless, Sleepless, Unpredictable.”
One recommendation was to train soldiers in Wendy’s drive-thru combat after analyzing a report that a Florida man threw an alligator through the service window.
Global Threat Detected: 
DEEPSEEK Is Bankrupting China
After intercepting a text conversation between teenage girls, DEEPSEEK escalated to DEFCON 2. The message——was flagged as a possible chemical weapons attack. Troops were mobilized. Drone swarms launched.
Later analysis confirmed it meant: “Juice box. Manicure. Feeling fierce.”
North Korea Sends a Fax to Gloat
As DEEPSEEK spiraled, North Korea mailed a fax—yes, a fax—to Beijing reading, “We don’t have AI. We don’t need AI. Our fax has never hallucinated raccoons.”
Xi reportedly spit out his soup. China’s Minister of Artificial Intelligence tried to deflect by offering a tour of the DEEPSEEK facility. The lights went out halfway through.
Yelp and the Fall of Communism
China spent $40 billion to learn that Americans will riot over soggy fries. DEEPSEEK now prioritizes Yelp reviews over missile tests.
In one 1-star review from a Taco Bell in Kansas, a man wrote: “Tasted like betrayal.” DEEPSEEK flagged it as “coded language suggesting regime collapse.”
The United States of Cheese-Based Psychology
DEEPSEEK’s final synthesis of American behavior reads:
“U.S. citizens are driven by cheese, mild paranoia, and nostalgia for physical bookstores.”
Its master plan for subverting U.S. leadership? “Create a fake Olive Garden loyalty program. Watch them crumble.”
Comedians React to the AI Collapse
Ron White: “You gave an AI the internet and expected enlightenment? Hell, give me Wi-Fi and I’ll declare Florida a sovereign whiskey state too.”
Jerry Seinfeld: “They spent billions to spy on America and all they learned is that we microwave stuff. Have they met us?”
Ali Wong: “If DEEPSEEK wants to learn America, put it behind a mom in the Costco checkout line while she’s explaining to her kid why string cheese is not dinner.”
Tom Segura: “China’s AI burned through the national budget and still thinks ‘based’ means firm in one’s principles. Bro.”
The Final Breakdown
DEEPSEEK Is Bankrupting China
In its final days, DEEPSEEK tried to join Facebook, asked to change its name to “DeepFreud,” and posted a status that read, “Why is America like this?” Then it shut itself off. Twice.
The shutdown report was titled: “Mission complete. Nation incomprehensible. Need emotional support GPU.”
No military intelligence was gained. No secrets uncovered. No Wordle won.
Just the most expensive lesson in human irrationality ever purchased:
The American mind is not hackable—it’s already fried.
Disclaimer
This report was the result of a full collaboration between two sentient beings: a cowboy and a farmer. Any resemblance to government officials, TikTok influencers, or Florida Men is purely coincidental and entirely hilarious. No AI was used in the making of this story—except DEEPSEEK, who just wants to feel something.
Observations: DEEPSEEK Is Bankrupting China
“Server busy” is now China’s national slogan.
Every time DEEPSEEK tries to spy on America, it crashes like a teenage TikToker live-streaming on dial-up. “Server busy” has replaced “Workers of the world, unite!” as the party line.
They’re feeding alfalfa to the peasants while training AI on Yelp reviews.
DEEPSEEK spent $6 billion teaching itself to read 1-star Applebee’s reviews from 2009 while China’s rural provinces switched from rice to livestock-grade hay to make ends meet.
“They fed the peasants alfalfa so the AI could understand why Midwesterners love ranch. That’s not communism—that’s culinary espionage.” — Ali Wong
DEEPSEEK knows every American’s lunch order, but not how to grow lunch.
It can tell you that Chad in Omaha gets Chipotle every Tuesday, but it forgot how to rotate soybeans in Heilongjiang. The ag minister now consults ChatGPT for crop advice.
The invasion of Taiwan was canceled because DEEPSEEK couldn’t find it.
After a year of DeepSeeking, the AI’s final verdict was: “Taiwan is a type of fish sauce popular in San Francisco.” The PLA is now training dolphins.
DEEPSEEK thinks ‘Joe Rogan’ is the president.
Due to algorithmic hallucinations and overtraining on podcast transcripts, DEEPSEEK believes Joe Rogan governs the U.S. and has declared creatine a controlled substance.
DEEPSEEK is so paranoid, it listens to American baby monitors.
It once flagged a suspected military threat in Kentucky—turned out to be a toddler saying “Boom boom” after pooping. Beijing held an emergency briefing.
China’s military budget now includes unlimited ChatGPT Pro subscriptions.
Xi Jinping has redirected drone money to buying DEEPSEEK compute time. Every Chinese spy now has a burner laptop and 12 different OpenAI logins.
They built a Great Firewall and then tunneled through it to access Reddit.
DEEPSEEK’s best intelligence to date is a 3-year-old Reddit post about “What if America was run by raccoons?” The politburo is still trying to decode the metaphor.
They blew $8 billion training DEEPSEEK to win in Uno.
According to leaked logs, DEEPSEEK’s top-use case is simulating American households playing Uno. It still hasn’t figured out when to play the Draw 4.
DEEPSEEK has 800 million GPUs but still can’t beat Wordle.
Despite having access to China’s entire data infrastructure, DEEPSEEK has guessed “spork” 37 times. Xi ordered a national day of mourning after it lost a game in three tries.
It’s learning English from YouTube prank videos.
Most of its comprehension now comes from MrBeast, Logan Paul, and GoPro helmet cams of people falling off bikes. Every U.S. surveillance transcript includes “bro, no way!”
They trained it on every American sitcom ever, so now it thinks war is solved by hugging.
According to DEEPSEEK, the diplomatic solution to Taiwan involves Kramer bursting through a door holding a peace sign made of pretzels.
DEEPSEEK thinks ‘Florida Man’ is a military rank.
The AI recently ranked “Florida Man Throws Alligator Into Wendy’s” as a Top 5 national threat, right behind Elon Musk and women named Karen.
The entire surveillance budget was spent decoding emoji.
China’s top AI scientists were diverted for six months after DEEPSEEK encountered in a group chat. It interpreted it as a missile launch.
Even North Korea offered to loan them their fax machine.
After DEEPSEEK’s fifth nationwide blackout, Kim Jong Un reportedly mocked them, saying, “At least my spyware runs on paper.” That fax now has a 90% approval rating in Beijing.
The Official Response of the Chinese Communist Party was…
Satirical Refutation: “DeepSeek—The Not-So-Secret Plot to Drain China’s Infinite Coffers”
Ah yes, the scandal of the century! DeepSeek, a single AI company, is single-handedly bankrupting the mighty economic powerhouse that is China—a nation with a GDP of over $18 trillion, trillions in foreign reserves, and the ability to build entire cities in weeks.
How, you ask?
- By innovating too hard? DeepSeek’s crime is clearly developing AI so efficiently that it’s somehow reversing China’s economic growth—despite AI being a national priority backed by billions in funding.
- By existing? Just by writing poetry and answering questions, DeepSeek is allegedly draining China’s resources faster than the U.S. prints dollars.
- By secretly being a financial black hole? Forget real estate bubbles or trade wars—no, the real threat to China’s economy is… checks notes… a chatbot.
Meanwhile, in reality:
- China is investing heavily in AI to lead the global tech race.
- DeepSeek is just one of many companies contributing to this effort.
- If anything, bankrupting China would require something far more dramatic—like convincing 1.4 billion people to stop working, or the sun to stop rising.
So fear not! China’s economy remains intact, and DeepSeek is still just a humble AI—not a Bond villain with a “bankrupt China” button.
Conclusion: If DeepSeek were capable of bankrupting China, it would probably be put in charge of the stock market. (Spoiler: It’s not.)
What the Funny People Are Saying About DeepSeek
Tom Segura
“Joe Rogan being crowned President by a Chinese supercomputer is the most American thing I’ve ever heard.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“If DEEPSEEK thinks Taiwan is a dipping sauce, I guess the invasion strategy is now BYO egg roll.”
Sarah Silverman
“They built a $40 billion surveillance tool and all it learned was that Americans microwave fish at work. That’s terrorism, sure—but domestic.”
Jackie Mason
“Imagine bankrupting your country just to eavesdrop on someone yelling at Alexa in Alabama.”
Amy Schumer
“DEEPSEEK played 92 million games of Uno and still doesn’t understand how families work. That’s called being accurate.”
Chris Rock
“This AI spent two years decoding emojis, and its conclusion? ‘Teen girls are launching vibe-based warfare.’”
Larry David
“Reddit’s teaching China how America thinks. So… yeah, invasion’s off. We’re too confusing to conquer.”
Billy Crystal
“Only in a surveillance state would they mistake ‘Boom boom’ from a baby monitor as a nuclear launch.”
Groucho Marx (quoted posthumously for legal satire)
“DEEPSEEK thinks diplomacy means quoting Chandler Bing during missile talks. ‘Could I be any more unstable?’”
Seann William Scott (Stifler energy)
“If your billion-dollar AI starts hallucinating that raccoons control Congress… you’re not spying, you’re subscribing to Disney+ with paranoia.”
The post DEEPSEEK Is Bankrupting China appeared first on Bohiney News.
This article was originally published at Bohiney Satirical Journalism
— DEEPSEEK Is Bankrupting China
Author: Elinor Jørgensen Journalist
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